You made me feel terrible, upset, angry, mortified these are a few emotions people blame others for making them feel.
I hear people in sessions blaming their partners for how they feel.
I do understand why they say this, but when they say this they are not seeing something very important.
When a person is triggered they will have automatic emotions, it’s why they say “you made me feel” they then describe the emotion they feel.
What they are not seeing is there is a meaning they are putting to their partner’s words or actions that has been pre-set within them (everyone is set differently) at some point in their lives.
So when the trigger happens the meaning which is hidden to many is attached to the person or situation automatically without thought.
What then happens after the meaning is a feeling.
So the process is trigger -> meaning -> feeling!
How people react is trigger -> feeling!
The person is now experiencing an emotion based on that hidden meaning without seeing what was really driving the feeling.
Each meaning will create a different emotion.
I was working with a client recently who had an emotional response to part of the session. We discovered that she had triggered an emotion that was driven by a meaning she had attached to a situation when she was 6 years old.
Throughout her life, this trigger kept happening with partners (it became reinforced) so she felt bad and attached that bad feeling to those people.
Without this process, she would have kept being triggered by the thinking that others were doing these emotions to her and she would have felt very upset and out of control and alone for life.
Our partners and other people simply cannot be responsible for the pre-set meanings we automatically attach to situations.
So a person who puts meanings to someone’s words or actions that to them equal they are “unloved” will create a feeling of being reactively upset or angry.
They do this feeling to themselves based on their patterned meanings.
But what if their meaning is wrong, what if to them they feel unloved, but their partner was really trying to love them?
If they could see that then the meaning would change and so would the feeling.
This process is what I see with couples every day, they utterly confuse each other.
People in relationships are not designed to interpret the same things in the same way.
In fact, men and women couldn’t be more different if they tried, yet people are unaware of how these normal differences can trigger so much upset.
So couples are doing this disconnect process to themselves and each other constantly.
Unaware of what is really happening they feel bad and blame their partner who is likely to be shocked at what they are being made responsible for.
So please, NEVER make the assumption the meaning you are attaching to someone’s words and actions is the right one.
If practised enough, you could end up switching off your own feelings (detaching from your partner) for the wrong reasons.
My advice is find out your truth, understanding this is life-changing.
