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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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“You made me feel…”

You made me feel terrible, upset, angry, mortified these are a few emotions people blame others for making them feel.

I hear people in sessions blaming their partners for how they feel.

I do understand why they say this, but when they say this they are not seeing something very important.

When a person is triggered they will have automatic emotions, it’s why they say “you made me feel” they then describe the emotion they feel.

What they are not seeing is there is a meaning they are putting to their partner’s words or actions that has been pre-set within them (everyone is set differently) at some point in their lives.

So when the trigger happens the meaning which is hidden to many is attached to the person or situation automatically without thought.

What then happens after the meaning is a feeling.

So the process is trigger -> meaning -> feeling!

How people react is trigger -> feeling!

The person is now experiencing an emotion based on that hidden meaning without seeing what was really driving the feeling.

Each meaning will create a different emotion.

I was working with a client recently who had an emotional response to part of the session. We discovered that she had triggered an emotion that was driven by a meaning she had attached to a situation when she was 6 years old.

Throughout her life, this trigger kept happening with partners (it became reinforced) so she felt bad and attached that bad feeling to those people.

Without this process, she would have kept being triggered by the thinking that others were doing these emotions to her and she would have felt very upset and out of control and alone for life.

Our partners and other people simply cannot be responsible for the pre-set meanings we automatically attach to situations.

So a person who puts meanings to someone’s words or actions that to them equal they are “unloved” will create a feeling of being reactively upset or angry.

They do this feeling to themselves based on their patterned meanings.

But what if their meaning is wrong, what if to them they feel unloved, but their partner was really trying to love them?

If they could see that then the meaning would change and so would the feeling.

This process is what I see with couples every day, they utterly confuse each other.

People in relationships are not designed to interpret the same things in the same way.

In fact, men and women couldn’t be more different if they tried, yet people are unaware of how these normal differences can trigger so much upset.

So couples are doing this disconnect process to themselves and each other constantly.

Unaware of what is really happening they feel bad and blame their partner who is likely to be shocked at what they are being made responsible for.

So please, NEVER make the assumption the meaning you are attaching to someone’s words and actions is the right one.

If practised enough, you could end up switching off your own feelings (detaching from your partner) for the wrong reasons.

My advice is find out your truth, understanding this is life-changing.

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

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November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • Marriage is a dance – A dance most couples kill
  • “We can’t find a way forward!”
  • Breaking unhealthy relationship patterns
  • Anyone that marries will have trouble!
  • “Identity Secrets”- Mini Post

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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