I see so many coupes in conflict over one thing, there is a continuous giant misunderstanding of each other and they are both guilty of not seeing it.
What’s very sad is this misunderstanding is widespread and is crippling couples and destroying families everywhere as they wrongly assume their relationship can’t work.
Growing up I can’t ever remember being given any information around the staggering differences between men and women and this was setting me up for failure and a lot of pain.
In my 20’s I quickly realised I was ill equipped to manage my relationships and be a valuable partner.
What I now understand in my 50′s is without the knowledge of what both people really need, the couple is highly likely to fail and keep failing until both people end up protecting themselves from each other.
Both people protecting themselves is a crisis signal and should be a red flag that a change is required.
The way I help couples is to help them with some core missions.
- They must understand how to really hear each other
- They must together be able to build a compelling future
- They must both be free to be who they really are and are loved for that
- They must understand each others core needs and be there for their partner
- They must learn how to repair the relationship fast
The challenge all couples face is they don’t have a model for how to support the opposite sex (specifically their partner in an intimate relationship) so they treat their partner like they are the same sex as them with disastrous consequences.
So when a woman is judging a mans behaviour she is doing so through the filter of being a woman (the reverse is of course also true).
The challenge with this is the meanings she will create are not a true representation what’s really going on within him so he will feel misrepresented and this causes conflict. (again the reverse is also true).
The mission is very simple the changes the couple must make are ones that result in more alignment and more attraction to each other.
I see men and women in their quest to fix their problems, become less and less attractive to their partners.
For example: If a woman is trying to change a man through criticism of him, she is going to actually create him wanting more emotional distance from her.
If a woman is upset the worst thing a man can do is mirror her and become equally upset at her being upset.
So to achieve attraction and alignment in all aspects of your relationship you must start to learn about your partner so you can hear their real message and not the one you think they are giving you.
The most critical time for any couple is knowing what to do when the relationship goes wrong or gets broken. That’s the time when understanding what’s really going on is critical for the couples survival.
The biggest destructive trends I see is overly masculine women who are feminine at their core but don’t feel safe to be that with their husband and so she emasculates him without knowing.
Other trends are masculine men who are seen to be controlling or bullies by women who don’t feel safe to be feminine with him.
I see many individuals who are stuck in success identities such a CEO and become the CEO of their partners, this dynamic causes disconnect and resentment. The key is to learn how to be a husband or a wife.
So what I’m seeing is couples are getting stuck in destructive patterns because they are confused by their partner and without knowing they create no win destructive situations in their quest to feel safe.
Some of the patterns are born long before the couple actually meet through childhood models and these can be a mix of good and bad models as our parents have their own problematic patterns.
What I learnt and is now what I teach is it’s what you don’t know that will hurt you.
If individuals don’t know how to bring out the best of themselves and their partner then the relationship will suffer because it’s being starved of what it really needs.
Men and women have very different needs, they have totally different operating systems they listen, speak and behave totally differently and so they confuse each other in intimate relationships and this leads to pain and suffering.
It’s not necessary to suffer, all you need is the information that will help you connect to the true you and be valuable to each other.
For those that know they are living destructive patterns but don’t know how to break them I have developed as series of private 1-on-1 programs to help individuals and couples navigate their challenges with confidence.
All the programs are designed to empower you and help you build confidence to gain the life you were meant to live.
The programs are run over 1 day for couples/individuals that need to travel or need intense emergency help.
Or the option of 6 week and 12 week programs.
Each program is tailor-made for your situation.
About Stephen Hedger
