Are we compatible? This is a very common question and one that gets asked a lot when I’m working with couples? Couples that come for my help want to know if the problems they have are fixable, or do they have some deep-seated problem hardwired into their relationship?
For most couples in crisis the reason they feel incompatible is because that’s exactly what’s happened, they have created an incompatible dynamic. Their dynamic has changed for some reason.
This change of dynamic will create feelings that one or both people simply can’t live with.
The good news is for most couples this state is not permanent once we understand the underlying cause(s).
When I first meet couples in an initial consultation it’s not difficult to see that couples have created a combination of behaviours that would, and could never build and grow their relationship.
Important: These behaviours are going to be in reaction to some underlying cause that would be almost impossible for them to unpick by themselves, which is why couples can feel their problems are impossible to solve.
From the start of the relationship it’s very common that the individuals do not notice this shift of dynamic because life is busy. Careers, children, lack of time, life changes, stress can all mask the reality of the couples real connection, or lack of it.
Couples do not realise soon enough that their relationship becomes disconnected and transactional until a trigger of some kind wakes one person up and they realise they have had enough…
The question is why has the dynamic changed and is it possible to create a new one that works for both people.
I say a new dynamic because all relationships change over time and the skill of creating a successful relationship for life, is understanding how to grow the relationship so the couple remain emotionally connected through all of life’s key stages.
So when I’m working with couples who have clearly created a dynamic that doesn’t work I have two jobs.
The first one is to understand how this unhealthy dynamic was formed and the second is to understand what would equal a dynamic that both people could happily invest in for life.
So what kind of behaviours can cause an unhealthy dynamic?
- Not understanding what it really takes to build a life long connection.
- Not growing a deeper connection past the initial attraction.
- It’s all about me dynamic.
- Not understanding what your partner really needs and vice versa.
- Everything becomes more important than your relationship.
- Stress, depression, anxiety.
- Past emotional traumas.
- Lack of honest communication.
- Loss of kindness and care.
Of course this list could go on…
All of these kinds of behaviours can result in disconnection and so the relationship becomes vulnerable to symptoms that can cloud the real issues.
Example of symptoms: An affair, temporary loss of love that feels permanent, never ending conflict.
So feelings of incompatibility is due to a loss of a healthy dynamic. The good news here is to fix this problem we only have two jobs, understand why the dynamic has really become unhealthy (find the hidden problems) and understand how to build a dynamic both people want to be part of for life.
All couples attend just one meeting with me so I can assess their compatibility before I agree to work with them. I’m interested in helping the couple achieve the lasting results that they want.
About Stephen Hedger
