Are we compatible?

When a couple comes to me for help, the question I have to understand is does the couple have genuine core compatibility problems, or do the individuals in the couple have a relationship problem with themselves which in turn is causing relationship problems.

The latter is usually the case.

If you have been following this blog you will have read the last few posts which have helped you to understand that what you focus on is what you will get.

So if you believe your partner is the problem then firstly you will look for all the ways that they are the problem (If what you have just read now automatically directs you to what your partner has been doing rather than what you have been doing, then as you can see, you are a big part of creating your problems).

Finding problems is far too easy and so you will consider your discoveries as proof, but you will be setting both you and your partner up to fail, this will be your focus and so in your quest to change them they will resist, you will see this resistance as further proof, that they are the problem.

Your focus needs to change for your relationship to succeed.

If you want your partner to change, the first thing you have to do is to change yourself first.

Focus your mind towards to how you can be more of the person/partner you want to be and turn your focus away from the problems you both seem to face.

If your partner needs more of something then ask them what it is and give it to them it’s your responsibility.

You are 100% responsible for the success or failure of your relationship.

If you pull love away or look for ways to punish them expect more problems or pain to hit you fast.

Is today the day to be honest with yourself, do you like who you are and how you are behaving? Are you always focused on what you want or is your focus on what you don’t?

A distorted you will be a focus on all that’s wrong in your life, and as if by magic will give you everything you don’t want in buckets.

So if you are unhappy, find out where your thoughts are focused most of the time in the context of what is wrong for you.

Remember if you have problems it’s very likely you are the cause on some level.

Become part of the solution not part of the problem and start it today!

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.


  1. Myself and my partner have been together for 8 years. We have battled everything and now I think I am just too tired to continue battling through. We are too alike and I believe that is the underlying issue. We love each other but the arguements are tearing us apart. When we are happy we are really happy, and when it’s bad it’s really bad – there is no middle grounding.

    Anything you suggest would be helpful because I love my partner. I just don’t know what else i can do.

    • Stephen Hedger says:

      Dear Lizzie

      Thank you for your question. Your arguments are because you and your partner fear something. Do you know what it is for both of you?

      Kind regards


      • Stephen Hedger says:

        Dear Readers

        Lizzie has decided to take this conversation with me off line. This option is of course open to all of you who are looking for answers to any problems you maybe facing.

        Kind regards to all