If anyone wants to create a relationship that’s successful and life long there are some simple principals that are key to follow.
The overriding principal is to add value to your relationship in a meaningful way for your partner. Far too many people do not understand what this actually means and sadly they are destroying their relationship without realising.
Adding value to your relationship means very simply to put yourself in your partners shoes and experience your relationship from their perspective. This simple process provides the ability to create a meaningful connection that forms the foundation that keep the relationship naturally strong.
This process is simple but understanding how to do it is complex, which is why so many couples struggle.
Couples that come to me in crisis often share their shock at the pain and suffering they have created in their partner without realising, especially when that pain has lead to their partner with a desire to leave the relationship.
Experiencing the relationship from your partners perspective is really the biggest challenge for so many couples.
Not understanding our partner perspective can create a significant cost because when we don’t feel understood by our partner we can experience a range of powerfully negative emotions that we can attach to our partner. These resentments can stack over time making us feel we need to protect ourselves from the person we love.
The way to stop this getting hold of our relationship is to become curious of our partners experience in the relationship.
You see it’s impossible to become valuable to your partner if you don’t understand them.
I see many relationship hit breaking point through a catalogue of misunderstandings. I have seen two people who really love each other cause each other so much pain through their inability to connect to the others experience.
Humans don’t cope well with confusion and this world of confusion is a natural event when you put and man and a woman in a box called a home.
This confusion is further magnified when pressure hits the relationship, because each person is likely to act differently under pressure.
Add into the mix the differences between men and women and the gap of understanding widens.
So how do you close the gap?
- In simple terms you have to learn the tools that will help you create a naturally secure connection.
- You have to learn the tools that help you both create a compelling future.
- You have to learn the tools that give you both the skills to become a team.
- Adding value to the person you say you love is a skill that has to be learnt.
One man spoke of this journey into his partner world he said “I have been married to my wife for 30 years and even though I knew her, I now realise that I never really knew her. All of her behaviours and her ups and down now make total sense”
About Stephen Hedger
