Dear Stephen
My relationship of 9 years with my partner recently ended so we do not live together now. We have a 7 year old son. I am heartbroken and desperately miss her and day-to-day contact with my son. She will not talk about a reunion and keeps saying it is over.
What do I do?
Des
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Dear Des
Thank you for your email. When a relationship ends your whole world is affected not to mention the loss you will feel, so I am sorry for your loss and in particular your little boys loss of not having his father around everyday.
You don’t mention the reasons your partner left, but to be honest people’s reason, or the problems people face are never the real reason why people split up. The real reasons are much deeper than surface problems.
Why someone will leave a relationship
The only reason someone leaves a relationship is because their deeper needs are not being met by their partner and so when they consider a future with them it becomes a painful thought so they feel that they have no choice but to go.
This is why relationships end.
For your partner to consider even thinking about a reconciliation, you would need to prove to her that you understand what needs were missing for her in your relationship, and that you understood why she had no choice, but to leave.
Then she would need to be convinced that not only is your understanding real and honest, but that you can commit to meeting her critical needs for the rest of your lives together. Of course this does have to work both ways.
So the only way to help her change her mind about a relationship with you is to convince her that the future she has pictured with you is not going to be full of the pain she expects.
What she is looking for, will be a man that is an oak tree of security for her, that understands her and helps her to grow and be the woman she wants to be, in the life she wants to live.
Many men respond with “BUT I gave her everythingâ€
…my response is always “yes you did, everything except for what she really needed.â€
So Des your task is to put yourself in her shoes, and imagine what her life was like living with you and what reasons could she have for leaving.
What you are looking for is a conflict in what she values most. So we know that “security†will be one of her values/needs for any relationship. What could have made her feel insecure about being with you, what could have created a future that was not safe for her?
Uncover all her values/needs for having a successful relationship and discover what was missing in your time together for her.
Only when you get these answers will you have a chance with her to start a conversation that will mean something important to her and is not just about what you might want.
I will be contacting you direct Des because you’ll need to get this right for success to be possible for you all and especially your little boy.
Quick note to everyone…
If you don’t understanding your partners critical needs, this is a recipe for disaster in any relationship, because how can you consistently give your partner what they need if you don’t understand what it is they want.
Worse still is two people not understanding each others needs and not understanding their own, all this creates is a relationship full of fears that then creates constant conflicts and blame.
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About Stephen Hedger
Hi Stephen,
Thank you so much for your response and subsequent telephone follow-up, you have really got me thinking about my parter’s lack of security and how I may have inadvertantly threatened it by arguing and walking away because of her constant nit-picking.
I hope it is not too late but I really want to be able to fulfill my partner’s needs in life. One of her needs is the house we shared. I know this will take a risk on my part. I will need to walk away from our home and let her have it. That way her security is assured and that of my son, and I walk away with nothing. But if that is what it takes then I will approach it that way.
I have learned I cannot bargain or negotiate my way back into her life. I really need to give her what she wants and HOPE that will work. My partner and my son are the most important parts of my life. I guess I have not always shown that to her, but I have a chance now, even though it could mean the insecurity of walking away from home, instead of fighting over it, if that is what she wants.
Your explanation of her taking the masculine role and belittling my status rings true. This has really got me thinking of a new approach.
Des
It’s been a pleasure working with you today Des
You have been so receptive to a totally new way to look at your relationship and the choices you have made.
You can now see why she felt so insecure, not loved or significant in the relationship and how this stopped the growth of the relationship so it had no choice but to end for her.
With this new perspective you can build a different relationship with her, one that’s full of understanding and respect regardless of the outcome for the benefit of your son.
Speak soon and let us all know how you are getting on.
Brgds
Stephen