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Kissing Too Many Frogs?

February 11, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Finding the right person to spend your life with is so critical. Getting it wrong can cause so much heartache both for men and women.

So what happens when you keep getting proof that your relationships are not working. What do you do? How do you solve this, who do you blame?

One of my clients in her early forties had this very experience in her words “…for decades”.

Fears play a huge part in the process of getting relationships wrong so this was my instant focus for her. I knew that the fears in her were going to attract men who liked that fearful version of her.

This was a recipe for disaster so I had to help her understand how to create the right version of her so she could attract men who liked her, just the way she was, the real her – minus the fears! [Read more...]

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Does Relationship Coaching Work?

January 7, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Many couples wonder if coming to relationship coaching sessions will work and is it worth the effort?

  • What if you’ve had years of problems, fighting and going round in circles?
  • What if through all your problems intimacy in your relationship had disappeared years before and is now also just another problem to add to the list.
  • What if you’ve even tried counselling and it hasn’t worked and now it looks like the only option is divorce and the break up of a young family.

With so much certainty that breaking up was their only option, this couple decided to see if relationship coaching could save their family…

After a few sessions this is the email I received from them today!

Subject: Thank You

Stephen

I wanted to write to say thank you. There has been a huge turning point in our relationship. We have both worked really hard at following your advice and I have started to allow myself to get close to D physically. We are taking that side of things really slowly as I have many years’ anxiety to overcome but I finally feel that not only can we have a marriage free of the destructive fighting and power struggles we’ve endured for the past few years but we can also have a marriage with physical as well as emotional intimacy.

We both know that to sustain this will require continued efforts on both our parts but you have given us the tools to work with and that is more than half the battle. From where we were a few months ago – with the house on the market and divorce lawyers consulted – to where we are now feels nothing short of a miracle. We both realise that there is still so much love and so much worth saving. It was just all disguised under fear, anger, resentment, loneliness and feelings of disconnect and hopelessness.

Your skill as a coach is very special. Anyone who has tried traditional counselling and failed (as we had) should definitely try you before throwing in the towel.

With very best wishes

Grace – London

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She Hadn’t Seen Her Children For Years – “Fear had me paralyzed!”

January 3, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

This lady was very stuck, so stuck her own fears were stopping her fighting to see her own children. Now years had passed and her fear had grown.

To help her I knew I had to help her see her problem differently, in a way which would dissolve her fears and put her back in control of what she could control – her own actions!

After years she has now made contact with her daughter, a wonderful gift at the start of 2012

These are her words….

Life Coaching with Stephen Hedger:

Testimonial from an Anonymous Mother in a Foreign Land

How do I express the extent and depth of Stephen’s capabilities in assisting with the reversal of destroyed relationships?

I’m not talking about marriage in this case. I’m talking about myself as a mother agonizing for years over the estrangement of my young-adult children.  Fear had me paralyzed.  Lack of insight and wisdom had me continually groping while remaining hopeless and buried in on-going anguish.

When Stephen started working with me recently, he began by asking simple yet telling questions that, answered thoroughly and honestly, would probe the depths of my pain and shame.  I decided to answer thoroughly and honestly.

Stephen went right to work.  He delved into letting me know what life has been like for my children, what goes on in their minds, what is at stake and how I need to respond.  I have wondered more than once if he’s psychic.  Uncanny.

This relationship work is hard.  It takes so much courage.  But it is no longer impossible and hopeless.  There is ground being gained and the first signs of hope and relief have appeared.  I still walk in fear, yet it is being steadily replaced with determination and empowerment and positive, effective thinking and action.

For the first time I believe strongly that I will get my children back, that they will eventually be healed and whole.

Thank you, Stephen, for going through the fire with me and holding my hand throughout.  It takes so much fortitude, courage, vision and generosity of spirit to do what you do.  You are saving lives by diving in where it is most dark and dreary and then somehow bringing forth light, strength and belief.

You bring smokescreens to the surface and expose them for what they are.  You get to the heart of the pain and provide a platform from which to work.  I now have the attitude that I will get my children back or die trying.

All our lives depend on it.

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“We Decided To Stop Our Divorce After Just One Session With Stephen…”

November 28, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

This lady called for help, she was 100% convinced her marriage was over. When I spoke with her I could tell she was distressed but resigned to her fate. She had filed for divorce, but felt with a small child she should have one last try to get help.

This is their experience…

We have been to see a couples’ counsellor in London and we simply gave up with her. We went round in circles resulting in us feeling worse when the sessions were over.

We both agreed this agonising process was making us worse so we stopped. I had given up with our marriage.

We came across Stephen Hedgers’ website and saw very quickly that his approach was very different so we decided to give him a call to find out more.

On the telephone I remember being so shocked, it was as if he had been reading my mind, he could understand in minutes the problems I had been experiencing and what might be going on for my partner. Stephen explained the very words my partner had been using. I was amazed and slightly speechless.

He had understood in less than ten minutes what our counsellor had missed in weeks of sessions.

In that moment I told Stephen he was booked and we were on our way as soon as he could fit us in.

During the two hour session Stephen took us though a very different understanding of our relationship. What we learnt really opened our eyes, suddenly we were able to understand each other in a way we had never considered before.

We both agreed after the session that divorce was a mistake and with what we had learnt there was hope.

My husband was wonderful, he followed Stephens’ advice to the letter and we have been getting much closer again.

We both highly recommend Stephen Hedger.

Rachael & Richard London

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“…he changed my life for the better”

November 2, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

As a bride-to-be and as a woman in search of a fulfilling life, I couldn’t have been happier with Stephen.  Stephen was my premarital counsellor and life coach.  And he changed my life for the better.

My fiance and I met with Stephen several times as we prepared for our wedding. He worked incredibly efficiently within our budget and time zone constraints and had an almost eery ability to hone directly and immediately on the most central challenges, many times even when they weren’t what we’d expected, beginning within the first hour of our first session.

The learning curve was very steep, making each session worthwhile and packed with realizations.  My fiance and I would spend the week following our sessions in deep discussion about what we were learning, and it seemed that each time we would see the other — and ourselves – with new and needed clarity.

After a remarkable journey, I learned first-hand just how critical and interrelated relationship and individual well being are.  Even though our engagement did not end in marriage, I was prepared to make the decision to separate and move forward positively with my life, thanks to the skills Stephen taught me.  I feel more vivacious, healthy, centered, purposeful, and internally calm than I have ever felt before.

Steering one’s way through any relationship can be a bewildering challenge, especially as the wedding date approaches and the decision becomes real.  Anyone looking to improve themselves and their relationships will find a brilliant navigator in Stephen Hedger.

Thank you Stephen - Aimee. USA.

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“We went to Stephen for pre-marital coaching…”

September 11, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Vic & Ali a wonderful couple full of love for each other, they could see an amazing future ahead of them. Their eyes were also wide open to the ups and downs married life could bring and so they came to me with a clear goal. They wanted to know how to effectively deal with the unexpected challenges they knew life would throw at them.

They were already aware that they needed help, dealing with existing external factors that had the potential to negatively affect their relationship and marriage together.

The Pre-Marital work I do for all couples is bespoke to their specific situation. We covered not only how to plan for the future they wanted, but also covered their own personal histories and specific individual needs so we could understand what could cause potential problems in the future.

The goal was to create relationship that not just lasted, but lasted with passion, no matter what challenges crossed their path…

On their wedding website they wrote:

Some people see a priest before their wedding day- instead we prepared for a long and happy marriage with help from Stephen Hedger.

In their own words…

“We went to Stephen for pre-marital coaching…”

The instigating factor were family challenges that we knew might have a negative impact on our relationship if we didn’t learn how to deal with them effectively.

We learned how to better manage that situation and were able to get married confident in our skills to deal with the inevitable issues life throws your way.  But we also got so much more than that.  We learned all about our values, the different versions of ourselves that present themselves in a variety of situations, we learned how to really listen to each other, and create a joint vision of what we want our married life to be all about.

We learned how to jointly decide what to do when several options present themselves and so much more. Stephen’s approach is warm and humorous whilst challenging you to be your best self.

I  highly recommend working with Stephen for pre-marital coaching to any couple who are serious about not becoming one of the 1/4 who later divorce.  It won’t protect you from the challenges of life but will arm you with powerful tools, ways of thinking and behaviours that will help you navigate your way through life together.

Vic and Ali Godding – Married on Friday 22nd July 2011

Sharing this journey with Vic & Ali has been a real pleasure.

It is always so refreshing to be able to help couples at the start of their lives together, to help them learn how to really understand themselves and then how to understand and contribute to each others wants, needs and desires.

They discovered how to create a heartfelt understanding that lead them to a solid foundation for trust, respect and certainty for the future. They are now aligned to live consciously together without the fear of not coping when times get tough.

I want to personally wish them every success and happiness, they are truly amazing people that deserve the very best!

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Testament to Life Coaching

August 4, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

OK I know initially I went  as I hoped to save my marriage.  Well it takes two to do that and my ex-husband wasn’t committed to doing so – the lure of the new woman was just too great!

Left with having to pick up the pieces of ‘me’ I’ve continued to see Stephen over the last 11 months, determined to get myself into a better state of mind.  I will readily admit there have been times when I’ve ‘fought’ Stephen with a passion, feeling and believing that I was right and he wrong!  I’ve had sessions cancelled by him as he wasn’t prepared to waste my money (for which I am grateful!).  I’ve argued with him and I’ve had moments of disliking the experience.  None of which sounds very positive!  But in hindsight 99% of these arguments have actually been with myself as I’ve battled to change how I view things, to take responsibility for me and to learn and understand how I can make things different for me. To learn and to realise that I needed to become my own best friend.

There have been times in this ‘process’ that I’ve had huge problems even understanding what was expected of me!  As I’ve said on my blog it often felt as if I was learning a foreign language.  I understood the individual words but the meaning of the sentences eluded me!

So what’s kept me going?  Well in the final analysis a belief that if I didn’t I’d be letting myself down.  Short-changing me.  That I’d miss out on seeing the complete picture.  Also a determination not to end up a forlorn divorcee!!  I wanted so much more than that.

And although I can truthfully say I haven’t been one of Stephen’s high-speed successes (In fact I must have been one of his slowest!) I’ve appreciated his patience, encouragement,  guidance and incredible, steadfast determination in seeing me through,  as I’ve come to terms with understanding my past and planning my new future.

Some of my friends are aghast at what they think it has probably cost me.  But given how many sessions I’ve had it hasn’t been a huge amount and anyway “What price Happiness?”  It can’t have a price.  I’ve probably wasted a few of the sessions – in fact I know I have – but I was the one who chose to do that.  At least Stephen had the decency to temporarily ‘throw me out’ when I was in danger of wasting my money big time!

So where am I now. I have gained a confidence and belief in myself I’d have never thought possible.   A knowledge of me and what makes me buzz and what I need in life to make me happy and feel alive.  I now know, not only that I can and have to be my own best friend but I can also be my own coach!  I can help me out of my own moments of despair!

I have discovered many different versions of me and to each of those versions I now know and understand the values I need to bring to the top of my list to make that version work well.  I can swop in and out of these different versions with greater ease as the days pass and I am discovering that bringing different Values to the fore brings about an inner peace and control within me that I never had before.

But I’ve also learned that so often we fail to really communicate with each other,  we each put our own take on situations based on what’s happened to us in our pasts. We interpret conversations and statements in different ways; we hear what we want to hear and we can fail spectacularly to understand each other if we are not careful.  Our brains filter and distort the words we hear because the person speaking to us has a different past to ours.

I just wish I’d understood all this better a long time ago.  But I also now know that for 17 years I was probably married to the wrong man.  Yes he made me happy – incredibly at times – but not all the time.  Why?  Because ultimately he wasn’t happy with being himself.

I may not have got the future I truly want yet but I now believe it will be possible.   I just know I will attract the right people around me and one day one of them will be the one for me.

So now I guess I’m probably fairly close to ‘going it alone’.  I still feel I would love to know more. Stephen is now gently, kindly  - and firmly –  weaning me off my Coaching Sessions (I’m now going once a month!) and pushing me off on my own,  but I know he is still there for help and guidance should I need it!

I have Goals I need to throw my heart and soul into achieving.  And I believe I can.  I have the tools to do so.

I shall miss the sessions when they finally stop, as I now find them so interesting and enjoyable but I know the time has come for me to fly and very soon – to fly alone. (Sorry about the flying reference – I’m a  glider pilot!).

And if what I’ve written here inspires someone else in trouble to seek, get and learn what I’ve learned then that will be a lovely bonus for me.

Caroline

If you wish to read about the journey Caroline has been on from near suicide to a vision of a wonderful future please click here to read her blog.

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Chronic fatigue (ME) & My Marriage Problems

June 22, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Stuart was totally lost, he suffered with multiple problems, from a very traumatic past that was totally out of his control. The result meant that not only was he emotionally disconnected with his true self, but as a result his marriage was in serious crisis, and he risked losing being a father to his two year old daughter.

He was very angry with life and knew he needed help, FAST…

Stuart writes…

I initially came to Stephen as my Marriage had broken down, but this was only the tip of the iceberg, I had been suffering with Chronic fatigue (ME) for around 4 years, my Thyroid had stopped working fully many years before that and my interactions with other people at best, looking back, seemed hostile. [Read more...]

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The Past Affects The Future – Without Us Knowing

June 16, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

I will keep the identity of this client a secret because even though she broke through her biggest and most powerful fears created from her past, there were however more hidden problems about to hit her unconnected to her past. She discovered this soon after she wrote these words below to me.

So she is now back looking for answers to her next steps, which we will find over the coming weeks…

Her past had held her back from being true to herself…

“Stephen your powers have worked! I am cured!!! I had a huge break down the other week, probably due to seeing you which made my head more confused than ever, but now I realised in a good way.

When I had my huge break down,  I was suicidal and lower than low, but because of you I realised what to do. And yet again my husband was there for me, we spoke and he listened for the 1st time to my vulnerability and it saved me, saved us. You triggered my brain to fix its self somehow?

So now we have cleared the air, we are talking, I am changing my surname, I am moving in with him and just everything is amazing. And all thanks to you”

What this client is referring to is a shift of her perception on her past and that shifted her perception of  how she saw her future. Initially this can be unsettling, but can have profound effects on an individuals automatic feelings.

Don’t always assume you can trust what you think or believe in because it might just be hurting you without you knowing.

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“I had become a walking corpse…”

April 16, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Anna had a very simple goal she just wanted to be loved. A traumatic history combined with an unexpected break-up 2.5 years ago had paralysed Anna and almost frozen her in time. After an initial telephone consultation I knew I had to act fast. She came to see me 3 weeks ago. She had one session with me and we have been in contact over email one / twice a week.

Anna writes: My update since I first saw Stephen 3 weeks ago:

I decided to contact Stephen after yet another lonely weekend, a weekend working rather then going out. Working had become my safety blanket, running away from my sadness and disappointment that had left me disabled and destroyed 2.5 years ago.

The man I had loved with all my heart and I thought would be my husband had left me 2.5 years before after 5 (what I though happy) years for a married woman and he dumped me via a phone call, citing not wanting to have children with me as the major reason. Yet the woman he left me for had two children, not to mention that she was still married.

This sudden and traumatic breakup had caused my world to come crashing down around and me and everything I had believed in. I had been a walking corpse for the past 2.5 years, existing, drowning myself in work 24/7 to escape the tears, blind rage, all consuming anger and disabling anxiety that were always on stand by and ready to flow/come out if I had a spare minute. [Read more...]

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