Couples are clueless and it’s not their fault

Divorce rates are showing us as a population are clueless about what needs to happen for us to keep our relationships alive.

At the end of this post, I’m going to share three key focuses that must be mastered if the couple wants to be successful together. You’ll also read why one lady was flabbergasted at how she was a significant part of their marital problems – she thought he was the problem.

Couples are struggling for far too many years and are making it worse without knowing because they are not aware that being married for life needs a shift in thinking to make it work for life.

What you had when you decided to get married is in no way enough to keep the relationship alive for life.

You see, no one is naturally good at being married for life. I know there are many that think they are naturally intuitive, but they simply don’t have the perspective that’s not natural for them. 

If one person is more intuitive, it helps, but it still doesn’t give them an ability to naturally understand their partners perspective, it would need to be taught.

Men and women are simply not the same, how they speak, how they interpret conversations, why they have conversations are all different, but couples are not aware of this.

In fact, their roles and responsibility in the relationship are totally different if they are going to keep their connection and passion alive, I have not yet met a couple that understands this.

Not understanding this is one reason why couples are killing their connection without knowing. They blame each other or conclude they are incompatible.

Resistance in the relationship will over time lead the couple to erode their connection.

So how many people are bored in their marriage? How many have a better time with their friends/colleagues? How many are losing love and passion?

Many have lost trust in some way, either they question if they are loved, or enough for their partner, or they question if they can trust their partner with others.

The biggest challenge I see is everyone is guessing about what is important to each other because that’s all they have to go on – clear communication is simply not happening.

People are simply not sharing what they need to be happy.

Look at this exchange with a client

One lady I was working with was sharing how selfish her husband was.

When I asked her if she had ever shared what she really needed, she took a moment to reflect and said no.

I asked – why not?

She reflected further and then told me she didn’t know what she needed.

I asked if she thought he would just know. She nodded. She thought he should just know.

She was flabbergasted that he would have no idea what she needed and so she left him guessing which set him up to fail with her.

He rarely got it right with her so knowing he would fail it paralysed him to not speak, not make decisions and either spend more time away from her or be passive when he was around her.

All this infuriated her and pushed him further away as he knew he couldn’t win.

It’s mission-critical to build your partner a map to your heart by you understand you and what you really need so you can set them up for success.

Below are three critical focuses to master if couples want a life long, passionate connection.

  1. Individuals must know how to master their own emotions. If their relationship with themselves isn’t good, this puts too much pressure on the marriage to make them happy. Individuals must bring value to the marriage through their healthy connection with themselves.
  2. Couples must teach each other their critical needs for the relationship to work for them. Without this, it leaves them needing to meet critical needs outside of the relationship. This can lead couples to stacking resentments and problems that can lead to suffering and disconnect.
  3. Couples must learn the fundamental differences between men and women. Men and women don’t understand how to translate each other’s behaviours accurately, so they make the wrong assumptions about their partners’ character. This can lead individuals to a loss of trust and self-protection.

Once all this is mastered then and only then can the couple build a vision that gives their connection real purpose that isn’t just paying for stuff and bringing up kids.

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.