Are you starting to wake up and you realise that the life you have is not the life you thought you were going to get. Did you think your life was going to be different?
Maybe the problem is your money, your job, maybe it’s your relationship. Whatever the problem you now face if you want to fix it then you have to understand why you are in pain.
The formula for creating emotional pain is…
Pain in any area of life is caused when how you think it should be, does not match your perception of how it actually is.
If those two elements are not in tune you will feel pain.
Most people feel the pain and react to the pain without thought in other words they do what they do to escape it. If you are in this place what I want you to do is understand why you are feeling this way and discover how your pain can be avoided?
You see when people think things should be a certain way they usually have lots of rules and some are impossible to meet, some are unreasonable and this has a knock on effect because the persons emotional state will become their filter of how they see the world and this changes their perception of how life really is.
Couples can turn up for sessions with me only to discover that the relationship they thought was dead is just dormant due to rules that don’t make sense, or have little to no foundation. So how they think their relationship is today is not actually true.
- So many couples breath a sign of relief when they discover their truth.
Damaging rules
So your rules for relationships could be your partner has to understand you. You must not tell your partner what you want because they will only be doing it because you asked. What’s important for you is they act because they wanted to. As your partner fails to meet your needs you could no think he or she doesn’t care.
Can you see how if these were your relationship rules you would fail yourself and the relationship would fail too.
Now think about YOU
Think about an area of your life that doesn’t feel good and discover how it should be and notice the rules you have in place.
Now really look at how your life really is?
Think what has to change for me to feel less pain?
Do I need to change my expectation of my husband or wife or finances? Do I need to change the rules I have put in place?
OR
Do I need to change my life? Are the changes I need to make possible or impossible. You see if you are on a quest for an impossible goal you will set yourself up to fail. So if what has to change is impossible you are only left with one option.
Change your expectation of how life should be and the associated rules. Understand what needs you are trying to meet and discover new ways of meeting your needs with what you can control.
Knowing where to put your energy is critical.
Some rules my clients had that caused them pain.
- To be happy I have to earn 6 million per year. He actually earns 5 million a year.
- To be happy my husband has to be like me.
- Shouting at my wife calms problems down.
- My husband has to do what I say.
- My wife has to be calm all the time.
- My partner has to love me unconditionally, but I don’t expect me to do the same.
- I must be right all the time.
- I can’t be confident in a relationship
- I long to get my partner back even though they live with someone else
Can you see the potential problems if these rules are what’s guiding the persons life.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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