Dominant Mothers Connection to Relationship Problems

The more people I see with relatioship problems the more convinced I am that we are on the road to big trouble in our society. Many cases that come to me have a consistent theme.

The parents of those sitting in front of me have had a mother who is dominant in their life. Just to make my position crystal clear I am not blaming the mother for the problems, becuase they are reacting to their personal life conditions the only way they know how.

What I am saying is when the mother becomes dominant over the father, the children’s map of how relationships should be become confused with natures intention, and so with no other information they consider this pattern of relationship behaviour to be normal.

Yet when they put this version of normality into action in their own relationships, they discover it doesn’t feel right because their true self wants to be in the gender nature designed for them.

Unsure what to do, they continue to do all they know and further model the behaviour of their parents. The boy may model the weaker father and either shut down or run away. The girl may get tough fast and dominate relationship.

So what is happening and why is this a concern for society long term?

When women become fearful which they do a lot, they have no choice, but to get tough to survive.

Women will get tough if they feel their man is weaker than them both physically or emotionally. A woman will feel her best when she is protected and when she can connect to the vulnerable part of her. She will not do this if the man is weak and the result is she will resent the man for keeping her strong.

The man is designed to be strong, protect his partner and please her, however with a mother as a role model for strength he will not know how to please his partner in the way she needs it. This will irritate her as he tries to please her, but with her permission. She wants him to take charge and be a man, but his model of the world assumes the woman wants to do that, so he feels confused and stuck.

He will start to feel a failure as she gets stronger to cope and he gets even weaker feeling he’ll never be able to please her. He may become depressed, she will get even stronger to cope in reaction to all this and the result is disrespect becomes the behaviour in their relationship.

This results in both people in the relationship not feeling good and so they blame each other, and assume the relationship is wrong.

They are both wrong, with the right attention the relationship can work, all that has to happen is they have to learn how to be true to what they were designed to be.

So why is this a concern for society.

More and more couples are having children and splitting up. This means that at any one time there are 1000’s of mothers on their own having to look after their children. These mothers are having to get tough to survive.

They become strong and this is where their children learn the patterns that are likely to destroy their own relationships in the future.

Is this happening to you? Is your relationship feeling wrong and you don’t know why, and either you or your partner have a dominant mother. It is very likely this is a contributing factor.

  • If so call me to today I can help…

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About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a success and lasting passionate connection.

Comments

  1. Agreed one million percent. The added problem is that when the man ends up in this weaker position he has lost the will power or motivation to do anything constructive about it as he is coming at it from a percieved position of failure, or feeling out of control. A view that he is facing a very strong woman who it will be impossible to change. This of course is completely wrong.

    So how do you explain to these men who have either closed down or bolted completely that actually there is another route to take. One that could give untold happiness to them, their partner and so their relationship. That actually the step they need to take is not that great and a whole different world could be theirs. And a world where they are respected, loved and being the very people they want to be.

    All we want from our men is to feel cared for, loved, nurtured and protected. To have someone who is there for us come what may.

    The rewards would be mind blowing.

    Caroline

    • Stephen Hedger says:

      Dear Caroline

      Yes this is the challenge, because without any external intervention they will have plenty of evidence that they will always fail.

      Plus the woman in this position must also be aware that she is behaving outside of her core self too.

      That really is the key that both people have to be aware that they are reacting to their own fears and creating the opposite of who they really are, he becomes more feminine, and she become more masculine both doing their best to cope.

      The faster both people discover they are not being themselves the better chance the relationship has for survival.

      The most important part of all this is to understand that when fears are present, the focus on the fears usually creates the behaviours that make the fears possible.

  2. My partner is controlled by his mother, she controls where he lives, who he sees, what he does for a living and how he spends his time. She has taken a dislike to me and has told him to end his relationship with me which he has done twice but always comes back, then he keeps his relationship with me secret from her for a while, them eventually tells her and then she starts a campaign of telling him to finish it again. She deliberately makes him take her away at weekends to visit other extended family and deliberately leaves me out and sees it as a victory over myself. He always does what she tells him, he is frightened of her, I don’t really know how to deal with this situation. I’ve suggested that I visit his parents and discuss why they hate me but he said they would just verbally abuse me and possibly physically abuse me. Can anyone suggest what I could do?

    • Stephen Hedger says:

      Your partner has clearly not found his feet as a man and until he does he will always struggle with his mother.

      He seems to be a boy stuck in a mans world.

      What does he say the cost or threat would be if he does not do as she asks?

      What we need to discover is the fear within him that is driving his need to please her.

      Find out and let me know.

      Kind regards

      Stephen Hedger

  3. My husband and i have reached impass in our ten year marriage for (what seems to me) reasons connected with his mother. (I accept there are also likely to be issues relating to my behaviour/childhood/background too but his mother seems to be an issue and I see no way forward). His mother had an affair and left my husbands father when my husband was around 11yrs. When we married husband told me the facts but made it clear discussion with me about it was off limits. My mother in law has been very friendly with me but it is since apparent that most of her relationships are insincere and is verbally negative & critical about her ex husband and his new partner, my husband, me (no doubt) and others. My husband has a love hate relationship with his mother and is very like her in many ways and refers to her adultery as “all women being evil”. He frequently criticises and disrespects his father and calls him “weak” when he talks about him with me but if my father in law wants to visit my husband sees it as a chance to see what he can get out of his father and often makes self pitying comments about how his father hates him. He also seems to see his mother as strong and somehow admires her. I am almost paranoid my husband will cheat on me as he role models himself on his mother. My relationship with my mother in law has broken down. I don’t think my husband would agree to any kind of counselling. Is there any hope for our marriage? (my parents are still married although it was rocky but it is not so full of destruction and hatred as my husband’s family)

    • Short continuation of the above by Anon
      My husband is critical of his mother when he is with her, always calls her by her christian name (never “mum”), now I don’t want to see M-I-L my husband refuses to visit her himself with the children and just avoids the issue (and appears to avoid / not talk about any of it although I never initiate any conversations about it either). Husband is unpredictably critical and cruel to me and v negative if my behaviour (domestic chores etc) are not up to standard. I usually try to ignore it but sometimes defend myself. He likes to be the favourite parent with our children and tries to compete a bit in parenting. Intimacy is all but gone, he does not like affection (none of his own family appear to) and if the children are ever hurt he gives them to me to cuddle etc. I have kind of accepted this is the way of things. He is a mans man and does not like talking but probably does not want to divorce (so far as I know). Any advice welcome – thanks