Fears: A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Most of us are aware that whatever you fear usually gets created, if you are not aware then this is important, if you are aware then this is still very important because it can affect your behaviours.

For example: If you don’t trust your partner, checking up on them, asking when they will be back, what are they doing, who they are speaking to, checking emails and texts, will result in them feeling so trapped that you become someone they cannot trust.

Jealousy is easy to spot, but fears are not as simple as we might imagine to understand.

What happens if YOU are not aware of your biggest fear?

I would say that a good 98% of the people I see have a belief that they fear something only to discover there are 5-10 things they fear more, and these are driving their behaviours, without them knowing.

Just imagine for example if you feared “anger” consciously and you did all you could to avoid it.

What if in reality you feared being “powerless” more, but you were not aware of that fear. How powerless would you become if you constantly avoided conflict? This could make you angry and affect your relationships? You could try to contain your anger, but the constant knowledge that something is wrong could push you into depression helping you to feel powerless to cope with life.

You might even blame others, or your relationships.

I see many unknown fears create unwanted behaviours in relationships and so destroy them.

If your partner feared “rejection”, but didn’t know, what would their behaviours be like?
What if your partner feared “humiliation” what would they do to avoid it, and how could that affect your relationship.

You see what happens is the fears will help to craft the way people meet their values. This distortion creates internal conflict and therefore a person maybe become unhappy, but with no idea why.

If anyone is unhappy you can bet this is a first place to look.

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.


  1. I think fears stem from the idea that they percieve something is wrong with them or that a woman won’t find them attractive.

    I tell all my clients that women really don’t care what you look like! Men are thinking about what women find attractive and matching it to male attraction switches.

    The true nature of what a woman is attracted to is a man who know what he wants, is confident, is a challenge and in general a man, not a wuss who can’t tell her what he is really thinking!

    If a guy purely wants sex then he should tell her instead of manipulating her into bed, that then breeds this mentality of “All men think about one thing!” when its BS! Because I’ve been in conversations with women and I know they think about sex even more than men do but it isn’t socially acceptable to voice what they truly want.

    Imagine that the only time when a woman knows exactly what she wants she won’t act but when she wants him to buy her a drink she will vocalise that!

    I read Jo barnetts blog and she has a post talking about honesty and when she went out on a second date to a 5-star hotels restaurant, so a very expensive dinner, and she knew from the very begining that she wasn’t interested in the slightest sexually, emotional etc. So why didn’t she just be upfront and honest with what she was thinking? She even says something along the lines of she was literally counting the seconds!!!

    So Why Fear Rejections? Why not be honest with someone and stop wasting your own time? The single most precious commodity in someones life is time! Not many people get that!