This couple had been married for 15 years and a hidden problem was going to cause shock waves with an unexpected result, especially for him.
She discovered he had cheated on her. He said in the session “I never thought you loved me” shocked she replied “how could you say that, that’s NOT TRUE?” She was angry and crying shaking her head in total disbelief.
What’s interesting is for him it felt very true. In fact he lived for years thinking that he was not loved by her and was just a source of pain for her.
He thought now she had discovered the affair she would leave him and go on to be happy with another man. He was in for a shock, she did the reverse of what he expected she fought with a passion to love him throughout the pain of what he had done to her.
Image the challenge she faced, how do I love this man when I have to protect myself from his betrayal. I worked intensively with her so she could understand what it was like to be him before he chose to connect with another woman. How he would have translated the world through what she did and didn’t do. Initially she was totally baffled by the meanings he had put to her actions.
But she started to see how she had contributed to his unhappiness without knowing.
This woman was amazing not only did she connect with the past and took responsibility for her part in it she became empowered to find the courage to love him.
He was shocked at all this activity to win him back, for years he though she couldn’t care less about him and yet at the perfect time for her to leave him here she was fighting for her life.
As I explained to him why she had pulled her love away for all those years he stated to connect with his part in the cause and effect of their roller coaster relationship.
Bit-by-bit they both stated to see the truth.
As he started to see how he could become successful with her and how he could listen to her differently, he understood what she was really trying to tell him and had been for years. He shook his head in shame, “Why did I not know this?” he asked me.
For them both the truth was dropping into place they had spent years really hurting each other without realising and the result was devastating.
Their differing models of experience were brought together so they could reconnect safe in the knowledge that no matter what happened they would never let their relationship escape them again.
You see we all have different models of how we experience the world. If you don’t understand your partners model then any conclusion you come to about their words or actions are likely to be wrong.
The result can be very painful so don’t suffer, learn what’s really happened and if it’s possible to safely reconnect.
In my experience most couple can reconnect with the right strategy.
About Stephen Hedger
