How do I help my failing marriage?

When you break down the process individuals and couples are going through to put their relationship into a crisis it’s easy to see why they are struggling to keep their connection alive. 

Helping couples to see where they are going wrong is a key skill to master to help them save and protect their marriage.

As you scan today’s post I will share with you a key strategy for helping couples out of crisis and a couple who was on the brink of divorce who needed help fast…

Before I share this strategy two steps are critical for couples in crisis to learn. Enlighten both people to understand how they have broken their marriage so they don’t repeat that mistake and help them learn what they must now do to keep it passionately alive.

These two understandings are key to keeping their foundations strong to support them for life.

Once people understand what’s really happening to themselves and each other they can replace their natural fears and self-protection patterns with understanding and confidence.

The goal is to help couples build confidence that no matter what hits them they both know what to do to protect their marriage as a team.

These skills are not natural and so they must be taught.

Everyone comes for help with symptoms that have been negatively affecting them on their way to crisis.

  • Some end up in affairs
  • Some experience years with one person depressed in the relationship
  • Some grow out of love or have broken trust
  • Some hit crisis when their children leave home
  • Some struggle at retirement or through selling a business
  • Some lose their own identity in their marriage and then wake up needing to escape it
  • Some have parent and child based dynamics
  • Some simply hate today what once attracted them when they first met
  • Some simply don’t feel loved…
  • Some are simply misunderstood

This list goes on and on…

Every couple is different and every solution I offer these couples is unique to them, but there is a process I use that enables a safe reconnection that lays the foundation for a passionate connection.

So if you have tried to solve your marital problems for a while you might have discovered that the circle of destruction gets worse the more you try to fix it.

There has to be a step before couples can successfully communicate with each other and that is a mindset change on both sides.

This mindset change is one of the key steps I used to help this couple in crisis below. They were well on the road to divorce just like so many couples. They had tried so many things and needed a fresh approach to help them and their young family.

Their initial consultation seemed pretty final. She told me she was done and didn’t understand why she was in the room.

I asked her why she attended this meeting she said “he asked me to come – so here I am!” she clearly seemed to be in control and had made up her mind.

In contrast, he sat very still, his breathing was shallow, his energy low, his complexion was sallow he quietly told me he wanted the marriage to work, she shook her head – “not possible” she muttered raising her arms seemingly in disbelief.

What’s happened to bring you to this position? I asked her

She told me his job was the most important thing to him, she didn’t feel loved, she felt abandoned she didn’t feel desired and he never wanted sex – so she just gave up.

She told me she went through a year of depression.

She said I’m no longer depressed or anxious I feel stronger now and now I don’t need him.

This dynamic was interesting because I didn’t feel what I was seeing represented the truth for this couple.

It was a clearly horrible place to be for both people and needed to change fast. When small children are involved It’s a good idea for couples to understand more about their crisis before life-changing decisions are made and then regretted.

I asked this gentleman will you work with me one-on-one because who you are sat in front of me I don’t believe is who you really are, but it’s who your wife believes you are today.

She has lost faith in you and feels she has to leave you to reclaim her life.

The result of your current and historic energy is your wife has had to protect herself in this relationship for years and she has had enough and this has made you unattractive in her eyes.

She 100% agreed.

She said I am now the man in this marriage – I don’t want to be the man anymore!

I agreed… but I told her I believe her husband was also suffering and I want to spend some time helping him for himself.

I told her that even if the marriage was dead helping him would be amazing for him and great for their children.

She agreed…

I told her that I would also like to spend some time with her because even though this new energy has put her back in control it’s done so through a self-numbing process and this disconnected her.

I would be happier if she was fully connected to her true self and decided on the future of the relationship from that new position.

She agreed to my help but still insisted that the relationship was still dead for her. I knew she was speaking the truth, but her truth was from her current emotional position and I was interested to see what could be achieved.

One thing was was crystal clear to me. If I worked with this couple together they would suffer and their marriage would really die so I initially arranged separate meetings to give them both the strength to look at the marriage and themselves differently.

I knew the strategy was to empower both people with two key elements.

They had to be free to be themselves, they had both lost this ability PLUS they had to learn how to really become valuable to each other they clearly did not know how to do this.

I started this quest with him first. I knew If I could help him ignite his masculine energy within him he would feel empowered to connect to his own energy as a man. This would be important if he was going to step-up and be there for himself and his family.

Then using this new masculine energy as his foundation I helped him bring new behaviours to his wife to help her ignite a new trust and belief in him.

At the same time, I was working on helping her understanding how she had shut down and why. She too had lost connection with her true-self in the marriage through the need to be her own protector because she felt he had abandoned her.

I helped her understand that detaching from yourself is not the best way to protect you as you can suffer if you become stuck in this fear-based energy.

As she explored her emotional range with me she discovered a way to choose the energies she desired.

What you have just read is the mindset work that is critical before you put a couple in crisis in a room together to work through their challenges.

“What have you done to my husband he’s doing what I wanted him to do years ago!” she was laughing.

“…but it’s still too late you know.”

I smiled and said I understand what she is saying.

Each week I pulled more energy out of him connecting him to inner strengths he had forgotten about.

After a few weeks, we were looking at a very different man.

His complexion now changed his energy was up, he was present with his wife he was looking after her, supporting her but from a position of a confident warm powerful masculine energy.

In her sessions I helped her explore a wide range of emotions so she was gaining more connection with herself she discovered feminine and masculine energies she could engage at will.

She was now feeling free to be her true self, now happy in her own skin.

The combination of the individual work, the new knowledge about themselves and each other paved the way for a shift in her message to me.

She told me she could now see how they could be together again.

You see helping this couple was a process of dealing with 3 relationships.

  • One with herself
  • One with himself
  • and their dynamic

What so many couples are missing is they are trying to fix their marriages whilst they are struggling with themselves and their fears at the same time as misunderstanding the marriage all without knowing. This is why sitting them down and going over their problems can cause more problems.

IMPORTANT: Fearful people will only protect themselves, relationship confident people will protect their marriage.

This is why the programs I create for couples are about empowerment, knowledge and new found confidence.

These are the foundations where true passion can really grow.

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.