So many couples are struggling to understand how the love they once shared has changed and they are now edging towards divorce. Many of these couples are unaware the love they had died because they didn’t know what to do to keep it alive.
Sadly, many divorces happen because they think their love is dead when, in reality, it was simply dormant.
Relationships need feeding, and so many couples do not understand how they are killing the very thing they want to keep.
Love can start to die in a marriage when one person starts to focus on themselves and their own needs, and this can happen if…
- the person is naturally self-absorbed
- the person is living in a needs deficit, so they feel uncared for
- the person struggles to trust their partner – this could be for a good reason, or they suffer from trust issues.
- the person doesn’t know how to grow a relationship
Couples who are most successful have learnt what their partner needs and are focused on making sure those needs are met.
Far too many people give to their partners what they themselves need, totally unaware that their partners’ needs will be very different.
This will be frustrating for both people and can create emotional distance.
When both people take their focus off themselves and practice putting their focus on each other, this creates a foundation of security without security needing to be their focus.
Many couples try to get their needs met in distorted ways – I’ll do this for you if you do this for me. This trade of needs comes from a focus on the person’s self-interest.
Love can’t grow from a focus on me. “Me” focused relationships will always suffer.
I give to you because it’s who I am, creates a significantly more powerful connection that would feel authentic.
It’s important to stress that when you are giving that you don’t lose who you are in the process. Many people I see are people pleasers and they live with partners who are happy to take. This is a distortion and kills love.
Giving to your partner must connect you to who you are and who you want to be.
Effective communication is a missing skill for many
When couples are happy, they are not seeing their communication differences. When stress hits, their differences become significant.
Unfortunately, these misunderstood differences actually cause more stress as the couples struggle to make sense of their conflict.
If we look at a very basic example; some men are trying to fix the problems that women don’t need fixing. All she needs is someone to talk to and he keeps trying to shut the conversation down and move on.
Many women with this problem feel he doesn’t care, and the men are frustrated she’s not happy he tried to help her.
Not being able to connect with each other is another factor that kills love, as they are always on different pages.
I spend a significant amount of time training couples how to speak and listen to what their partner is really saying.
A generalisation is men are not naturally good at translating what women are trying to say and women are convinced they are being crystal clear. This is a recipe for disaster because in her mind he doesn’t care and this will lead her to switch off love.
She can also try to look for a deeper meaning to his words when in reality what he says is probably all he means.
Again every couple is different but if you’re not getting through to each other there will be a comprehension problem that will create a disconnect.
Becoming an influencer
Many people are trying to avoid vulnerability, in western society we are taught vulnerability is a bad thing. Unfortunately, vulnerability is a critical key ingredient in keeping couples love alive.
Someone who won’t be vulnerable is protecting themselves. Self-protection in relationships kills love.
The key to being vulnerable is being able to positively influence the relationship no matter how good or bad things become.
This takes a real understanding of your partner, how they think and what they really need.
Many people in long-term relationships will say they have love for each other, but what they struggle to keep alive is their ability to be “in love” with each other.
If you don’t know what you are doing, you can kill your love and connection without knowing.
So many couples lack the skill of keeping a relationship loving and passionate. Sadly, through social conditioning, they expect their passion for each other to dwindle, and when it does, they don’t worry.
Loss of passion is just one sign their love is being challenged.
As the years pass, at least one person in a couple is swopping their need for passion with a need for security, and it’s killing their love for each other without them knowing.
The key to a successful marriage is becoming conscious of how to successfully keep your connection alive.
- Controlling a partner will kill love
- Lack of openness will kill love
- Lack of purpose will kill love
- Loss of freedom will kill love
- Loss of connection/understanding
- Loss of trust will kill love
- Any energy that leads one person to protect themselves from their partner will kill their love
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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