How to get a couple from near divorce back to love step-by-step

One of the reasons I love the process of coaching couples through their problems is the precision in which I can help them both see how to get to their desired result. 

Through the diagram below I will explain how it works.


Every couple is different and so the process from A-B will be unique to them

The green letter ‘A’ represents where the couple are today. This is important to understand because the couple will present where they think they are and sometimes it’s far worse than they think and sometimes it’s far better.

Unless you really understand position ‘A’ solving the problem is challenging. It’s a like trying to get to New York from London, but you think you’re in Spain. How confusing would that journey be? Yes very confusing and hard work, so knowing where you really are is critical.

The next position we need to understand is position ‘B’. This is where the couple want to be. We need to know this because otherwise we are all working on different goals without knowing.

This was my personal struggle when I tried counselling in my twenties. She asked us what we felt rather than what we wanted. What we wanted was to understand the problem to see if we could fix it, what we felt was pain. She focused us on our pain and so we both just locked down in more fear so she accelerated our problem rather than helped us to understand it and fix it.

Some couples are on the same page and just want the relationship fixed. Some couples are on totally different pages one is desperate to fix the problems and the other could have one foot out of the door.

In this case the goal has to be something like, discovering if we are actually compatible.

Now we have position ‘A’ and position ‘B’, the couple now need a defined plan to get to their honest answers.

The numbered steps in the diagram above represent steps which the couple have to achieve to get from ‘A’ to ‘B’.

You see without the steps it’s far too bigger jump to go from near divorce to love in one step. It’s like trying to get from your bed to the road in one step, for most this would be totally impossible.

So we need the steps that are most likely to get you both to your chosen goals. The steps are in a specific order for a reason. For example to get to the road from your bed you have to go through specific steps in a specific order.

Relationship problems are the same, for example if trust has been destroyed we have to overcome that before the person can focus on planning a future again, do that in reverse and we will be met with resistance.

The steps 1-6 in the diagram above are the milestones the couple will have to pass through to get to the next step, there are no short cuts. When a person is struggling to achieve a specific step that person is invited into a one-on-one session with me to overcome their block, objection, or challenge.

This could be a problem in their history, in their beliefs, in their fears etc. Once the person has broken through their block they are put back into the process now happy to move forward to the next step.

Step-by-step the couple are moved towards their goal, in each step they are learning not only about their relationship and how it really works, but also about their partner and themselves and what’s really needed to make it work.

This process takes away the uncertainty that creates fears that stops relationships growing, and gives both people clear guidance on what their roles are in the relationship. This creates a new confidence in the individuals to be who they really are and to create a relationship that can actually grow and work for them both.

My clients like this structured approach because they can track their progress with me. Each week we are focused on the progress the couple have made from what they learnt in the session and the homework they were given to practice.

This gives them confidence that what they are doing is designed to take them to where they want to go.

Simple yet very powerful, so now imagine what this process could do for you?


About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.