So many couples unwittingly create a dynamic that helps them fall out of love with each other.
These couples don’t know what they have done to kill their love so they struggle to gain those feelings back and many eventually conclude the relationship simply can’t work.
So many people come to me with this question.
I have fallen out of love with my partner can it come back? The simple answer is yes but there is a process to enable that to happen.
That process is not obvious or logical which is why so many couples struggle.
I have to show them exactly what they did to kill their love trust and passion for each other.
They then will need a plan to understand what they have to STOP doing right now so they stop hurting each other and then they must learn what they must START doing to support reconnection and the growth of their relationship.
Falling in and out of love is as much about a persons connection with themselves as it is the couples dynamic.
This is because we create patterns of behaviour as we grow from children into adults that is designed to keep us focused on achieving pleasure and avoiding pain.
The problem I see is those patterns are simply not working because they are outdated patterns and so when they run those patterns the relationship will naturally start to suffer.
Let’s look at an example:
Imagine a woman has grown up in an environment where she had to protect herself growing up.
As an adult, she will run that protection pattern when she feels her husband is not understanding or caring for her.
This protection pattern is designed to stop her from feeling pain.
So she could feel overwhelmed in the marriage and start to shut down her bad feelings as she did as a child totally unaware she is also shutting down any good feelings she has towards her husband.
Practised for long enough she will feel numb or very uncomfortable when she is with her husband and conclude the marriage is dead or just too hard.
The other danger she faces is by killing her own feelings for her husband she can also put him into a needs deficit and he will be forced to meet his critical needs elsewhere. This means even men that truly love their wives an affair is a possibility.
If she won’t love him then he will naturally gravitate to someone that will.
Of course, affairs are not the only problem that can arise in this example, the man can also feel if nothing he does works he can give up with her and this will also shut his feelings down as he also moves to protect himself from the relationship where he keeps failing.
IMPORTANT: You simply cannot protect yourself in a marriage and expect love to stay alive.
This example is just one of many complex patterns couples create but for the couples to be supported and reconnected they first must understand how to understand where they are and why.
For some couples, the loss of love can be explained when there a is a very obvious break of trust to both people.
The challenge is when a loss of love seems to happen for no reason.
For these couples, it’s almost worse.
Let’s look at a couple that came to see me with a seemingly impossible problem.
They said the relationship was struggling but didn’t know why.
On the surface, they seemed to get on fine and they were proud that they never argued.
Whenever I hear that dynamic my first question is “what’s your sex life like?”
Nine times out of ten the answer is “it’s DEAD!”
Couples that don’t disagree are not bringing a voice or an energy to their marriage so there is no honestly or connection at a deeper level.
Without this energy, there is no polarity and so no attraction being created. In this situation, the marriage will suffer and die even if they remain friends.
This type of dynamic can arise for many reasons but if for example, a female has learnt that being open and honest about her feelings only brings trouble or more pain to her she will take control by saying nothing about her real troubles.
This dynamic has the power to shut her down and kill the relationship.
If any person is trying to get to love they cannot use protection as the vehicle to get there it’s impossible.
This is why couples that have circular conflicts struggle. They are both displaying passionate energy but they are then killing it by protecting themselves from each other so the love cannot grow.
Hate for each other will never create love.
The only thing that can kill hate is love and to do that you really must understand that most peoples anger and frustration comes from fear, pain and suffering.
This means the couple must learn new ways to listen and communicate.
The reason why couples create successful relationships and fall back in love is because they understand:-
- Themselves and why they do what they do?
- They understand their partner and what they really need.
- They then understand what it really takes to keep a marriage alive for life.
Lifelong love is not something that just happens it’s an energy that’s created – you are now on the first step to understanding what can kill it what is now the next step you must take..?
About Stephen Hedger
