In the last post we looked at what really causes relationships to fail and it’s not what most people think. In todays post we will look at the patterns we create that are not designed for creating a life long intimate connection.
If I’m going to help someone to achieve the life and relationship they desire understanding the patterns within them that will sabotage that goal is critical.
The patterns of behaviour that lead people to disaster are automatic within them in other words they are not conscious decisions.
These patterns are designed to protect the person from harm, however the application of the pattern is very sloppy and so the wrong automatic response can be triggered without the person knowing.
One gentleman I worked with was automatically obsessing about rearranging the knives in the kitchen draw, straightening the blinds on the windows and checking every other defect in his house which there were many. His wife of just 18 months told him to stop or she would have to leave. He loved his wife with all his heart, he didn’t want her to go but this pattern within him compelled him to continue even though he knew the consequences.
Of course most don’t have such extreme patterns however the ones they have can be just as damaging. For example how male and female translate each others words and actions. Again these are automatic patterns influenced by events in our lives.
If a woman is upset with her husband, he can feel attacked by her. The ‘I’m being attacked’ is an automatic response. The question the man is not asking is am I really being attacked? The answer is usually no. A woman who is upset with her partner is trying to connect with him/her frustration is she can’t understand why he doesn’t understand her. Her automatic pattern can’t understand why he is not looking after her, why is he protecting himself from her.
These patterns that are not understood cause real problems because our biggest goal is to create a meaning to all the situations we are in.
If our differing patterns of behaviour are not understood then we put the wrong meanings to our time together and we can wrongly assume our partner has decided to not look after us and this sparks the most powerful pattern in us all. If we feel we won’t be loved, or be enough, the pattern of self protection we all adopt is very powerful and it leads us to become emotionally detach from our partners. This lead to loss of love, loss of intimacy and loss of trust.
To solve these patterns of destruction they need to be understood and they need to be replaced with patterns that rebuild security, trust and love.
Couples that work with me, learn about the patterns that are destroying their relationship and how they can meet their needs in ways that enable growth towards a successful future together.
We create new patterns within both people that manages expectations, builds lasting trust, helps both people to meet their own needs whilst meeting their partners needs and they are focusing each other strengths to become a team working towards are future they both desire.
When couples learn how to do this they feel connected to themselves and their lives again.
About Stephen Hedger
