We can all feel at times that our partners just don’t understand us. We watch as they try to make sense of what we have done or said and come up with a totally different meaning to the one we meant. We watch as they become disappointed, or upset at what we never meant. Plus it doesn’t seem to matter how many times we repeat, that’s not what I meant, or that not what I said they refuse to listen.
We can start to worry that our partners will never understand us…
The result is we feel frustrated, angry and upset because what to us is clear communication, to them is clearly not getting through.
Couples across the world are experiencing this strange phenomenon where even though we speak the same language in our case English we feel that we may as well be speaking another.
Heartfelt understanding is the key
One of the starting points of any session with me is for couples to learn how to create this critical understanding. Through our own experience of the world growing up, we create a map which helps us make sense of how the world works. That map is 100% unique to us, others do not share our map or the experiences that made up our map.
So based on one person map, what seems obvious to them, may not be so true for others.
So what makes up someone’s map? The map is the sum total of all our experiences and beliefs from our time on this planet. So you and your partner will have totally different experiences of what equals normal and from this, we will create totally unique needs.
Plus your map of the world is experienced through your emotional state at any given time. So any event is understood through your map of how the world works, but if you are sad, angry, frustrated depressed your experience through your map will also change to create different meanings.
Now add in your gender
Our gender is also a big part of our map and how we experience the world. If you are female you are more likely to be fearful day-to-day, men don’t experience this. If you are female your core needs structure in the way you experience the world will also be different. If you get angry with your partner what you really want is to be loved, men don’t feel this way through anger.
If your man gets present with you and you can feel his love through his presence it fills you up inside. Men don’t have this experience hence after dating they stop being so present and this creates a feeling of being disconnected, this can create fear with her that she is not loved or not enough.
If a man feels he cannot please his partner this to him is a living hell, she doesn’t feel this way although she will be looking for find ways to make sure he protects her.
When she screams at him to “go away I hate you!” what she means is “don’t leave I love you, I just feel scared!”.
When he runs away or gets angry or frustrated it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it means he is in so much pain at his clear failure to make you happy.
You see when you put your understanding of how the world works when communicating with others you only experience one truth. In any situation, there are hundreds of truths.
Feeling not enough
Many of us have this feeling of not being enough at some point in our lives and this becomes part of our map. It most likely comes from our parents through years of feeling that what we did or said was never good enough on some level. BUT think about it for you did they ever tell you, you were not good enough, or was it you that created that meaning?
You see if we are to really understand our world and those we love we have to get the perspectives that will serve us.
In this case, an event which is meaningless until WE give it a meaning, such as the behaviours of others is only given a meaning by us through our experience of our lives so far. We are the ones giving the world meaning.
IMPORTANT:
As we grow up we forget we are the creators of our own experience and so we become our own creations from those experiences. Through this misunderstanding of ourselves we lose control of our own understanding of ourselves this creates our fears and we live distorted lives.
By learning how you create meanings to your experience puts you back in the position of being the creator again and back to true you. From this place, you have less fear and are more open to wanting to learn about how your partner works without judgement.
This is the place where understanding can be yours, and you can be truly connected with you.
So if you feel that
- My boyfriend doesn’t understand me
- My husband doesn’t understand me
- My girlfriend doesn’t understand me
- My wife doesn’t understand me
Know that there is far more to what you feel than meets the eye.
About Stephen Hedger
