Passionless Relationship

Are you living in a passionless relationship? Do you want to know why it happened and how to change it? Then please read on…

What happens in most relationships is this. After the initial excitement of meeting each other, feeling that rush of you can’t wait to be together and rip each others clothes off, what happens is life start to take over.

Friends, family, work, bills, hobbies and one day you notice that the passion you both had for each other has changed, and where you used to make time available to be with each other now you are lucky to get any kind of real conversation, let alone instinctive red hot passion.

Something has changed and you can feel it!

Two things have changed, one is the sexual driving, feel good chemicals that are produced when you first met, and secondly the effort that you both put in that helped to create those chemicals.

So what worked really well when you first met you have chosen to change, probably without noticing, or maybe you just expect the passion to die because everyone says it always does. Maybe that advice is coming from everyone who is making the same mistakes and now everyone is lost and agrees that this is what happens as if it is a fact, when it’s just their experience.

What changes is the behaviours of the couple
and it’s this that kills the passion.

You may have worried that maybe the relationship is not right after all and so you went on a search for more problems and it was not long before you found them, because no matter how good any relationship is there will always be problems.

The truth here is whatever you focused on was what you got. Or in other words what you didn’t focus i.e. each other, on you got far less of.

Your energy will go to where your focus is. So remember when you focused all day on seeing him, or her and all you could see in your mind was how beautiful, or handsome your partner was to you, and the adventure that might unfold on your next date. How you did you feel inside? Amazing of course, but when you focused on potential problems, you then felt terrible and attached that feeling to the relationship or your partner without knowing.

The passion in your relationship has not died you have just forgotten to focus on it, because other stuff became important, or maybe you felt that you had to pull yourself together and be careful incase he or she will not hurt you, or maybe feeling sexual all the time was not right, and that is a rule you never knew you had.

The problem is this, when your focus went to a place of pain you can then attached that pain to your partner or those feeling and so you won’t allow that to happen again. Now you have sabotaged your own passion through your thoughts and a focus of fear which you probably made up.

Remember this, your focus is very powerful and can change you whole future and direction, so be sure that this focus is 100% in line with all you value, and does not come from a place of fear, because this will always hurt you and in the context of passion will kill it dead.
AND… The thing that makes any relationship special is that bond of intimacy that is reserved for just the two of you. Without it you are just friends, and is that what you want?

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.


  1. I feel this post is so relevent to my on going situation with my boyfriend who i have had lots of problems with in the past, split up a fair few times hes met some one else and moved in with them in the past which really hurt me. And he has lied to me quite a bit in the past .What makes the situation worse is he has high functioning aspergers which effects our sexual relationship the intimacy and he seems not to be able to be impulsive …hes so boring. Hes got better at cuddling and kissing now and then but the passion in the relationship has completely gone. The last time i had any real action was when we both went away seperatly on holidays and missed each other loads and the passion and effort from him was like it was when we met for a couple of days. I know he loves me and i think i still love him,i’m not sure anymore because i have become emotionallly numb. For a long time i have always made the sexual advances/suggestions, i feel i have to ask for imtimacy from him and alot of the time i have been rejected or he will roll his eyes at me as if i’m some perverted nuisance unless its on his terms and all about him. This mentally messed my head up alot in the past and the fact that when i had put wieght on in the past he would even come near me or be sexual with me. I feel more concious of how i look and if i’am attractive enough. He says its not me half the time but so many rejections and lack of effort on his part makes me think differently. How many times i have waited my days,weeks.months on this relationship running through my head if we should split up or stay together epscailly with past trust issues.
    I always had a very health high sex drive but since i have been with my partner i feel i have scraficed a huge part of who i am to be with him, some times when we were having sex in the past i got strange pains in my lower area’s which were very painful and think it could be pschological but i’n not sure , now i have no sex drive at all. I do love him and he does so many things for me and vica versa but i think the relationship is dying or dead.
    i don’t feel any spark for him a anymore, when i see him i don’t feel i want to spend time with him a he always appears misreble and rarely wants to go walks or inexpensive days out with me no more. He told me the fact that hes un happy in his job is bringing him down and money worries. I don’t work at the moment to due to ill health but still hes uses anything and everything as excuses. He also said i nit pick at him that has only been latley becuase i’m getting so fustrated with this realtionship going no where. We got engaged last year, there was no engagment party and the ring was borrowed from him mum LOL. At this stage of the relationship i don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone who’s making me feel emotionally numb, but i know if we split up i will be devastated so what do you do?

    • Stephen Hedger says:

      Dear Dawn

      The problems you are facing and the fears you have attached to this relationship I totally understand feel very real and are really frustrating…

      However because of your boyfriends condition this changes our expectation of what he is capable of achieving and giving to the relationship. I’m sure you are aware of the problems he faces, but for the benefit of my readers please go to this link to understand more.

      Your expectation of what you want a relationship to be like, has to change to accomodate his condition, otherwise you will always be unhappy if you expect something he can never give you.

      Your life choice has to be based on understanding the limitations of his condition and the life that will give you and if that is something you are able to do or prepared to accept.

      If he has no choice with how he reacts or behaves to his world, then he is not responding to his world out of choice and so expecting him to behave as though he has a choice will not help him feel good about himself either, as he will always feel that he has failed you and himself.

      I really recommend if you haven’t, going to see an expert who understands what you can expect in the context of a relationship with your boyfriend and his condition.

      The reality is the relationship you have today is not the one you dreamed of and so there is a gap between that dream and your relality today or the future you are starting to fear.

      What feels like the right decision to you?