Breaking the patterns that don’t work for YOU & YOUR RELATIONSHIP: Many couples across the world are all running patterns that are creating their futures without them knowing. Most people are unaware of these patterns and live their lives which, to them feel normal. The way they think, behave, speak everything is derived from learnt patterns.
These patterns take hold when people are growing and learning at the fastest rate. These changes happen in emotionally charged events and when we are growing up. You have heard the expressing children are like sponges.
Children don’t just take in information they take in everything, and so whatever the world is presenting to them, with no other bench mark to hand, this for them will be their normality.
It is very likely that the children will model their parents behaviours as the way to run their relationships in the future. Boys linking to in the fathers and girls to their mothers. With more and more absent fathers the male role model for children is fast becoming a strong woman designed to cope on her own.
All that children learn they use to create a world which for them feels safe as they grow into adults. Like it or not, although we may rebel as children we can easily find ourselves running patterns of behaviour taught to us by our parents.
The question is who taught our parents and is what they were taught the right way. Of course the right way is subjective, but becoming consciously aware of your own behaviours and how they are affecting you and your relationship is a must in any relationship.
Patterns of behaviours are handed down through the generations like these behaviours are normal. What are you aware of about you, what have you noticed about your partner.
Are there behaviours that you can see in yours and their parents that are reflected in your own relationship today?
Very strong mothers can create boys that eventually seek out strong women to live with. This can cause problems because neither the man or the woman in the relationship will like this reverse polarity role they have.
Very strong mothers can also create very strong girls who also eventually seek out men that are weaker. They do this without thought, it just happens because for them a strong woman in the relationship is how it should be.
Their initial attraction will be powerful, but as life takes hold they both start to feel wrong but don’t know why.
Strong mothers are either created through modeling their parents, or they have to become strong to cope with a life without a man and this is scary if the woman stays in a soft vulnerable state. Of course soft and vulnerable is where she really wants to be in a relationship, but with no man, or a weaker man she feels she has no choice get strong or suffer.
Weaker men follow the same pattern and feel equally bad inside. I see many powerful men in their careers shink as soon as they walk through the door at home. It’s a seemly odd problem, but more and more women are complaining that their husbands no longer wanting to have sex with them. They assume affairs but, the reason is usually the man feels powerless, demasculated, never able to be successful in his relationship.
Another example is a family that is angry or depressed. In fact whatever behaviours that became consistent will sit in their children as the pattern for life.
Many people live their lives without any really knowledge of why they do what they do, life can get out of control fast this way and so they run their childhood patterns to cope.
A pattern created by a 7 year old is not a great pattern to be running an adults life and so it can destroy very fast. I see this type of pattern at play every day in my sessions.
These patterns have to change for the individuals and the couple to be happy again.
When an individual starts to learn how to live life consciously, noticing what they notice about how their behaviours are guiding their lives then life really begins.
The individuals then understand their world and they are less likely to fear, and so lasting passion has the best chance of growing.
- I hope you have enjoyed this series again, please feel free to comment or ask questions below.
- If you need help because something in your relationship is wrong don’t wait take action even if your partner will not join you, I can help!
To your success…
Stephen Hedger - Relationship Coach
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