Relationship Master Skill TWO of SEVEN

I hope you enjoyed and could relate to Master Skill ONE. Today we are going to look at what happens when the relationship becomes all about “ME”.

One of the most prominent behaviours I see in couples is their desire to punish their partners when they don’t feel that they are getting what they need. They fear what a future in this relationship will be like and make it all about them. This fear in them creates a person who decides to take from the relationship through fear of not getting what they want.

Their taking also feels bad because they want to just receive what they need and the asking also feels bad. In this position they will start to punish their partner to wake them up, or teach them a lesson.

  • The punishment comes in many ways, but 9 times out of 10 it involves pulling their love away.

We do this because society teaches us that if someone does something wrong they should be punished.

My question to you is how much love do you want to give your partner after they have punished you?

I expect the answer is none. So this as you can see creates the reverse of what you really want. You punish them because they are not giving you what you need. What you need is to feel loved, and so when you punish them they pull their love away too.

You can see how fast couples can get into trouble if these behaviours are at play on a regular basis.

The lesson today is to become a giver of everything your partner needs including love.

This is now where couples struggle because they have been conditioned/hypnotised by life that says “…how can I give love when my partner has done something wrong?”

The answer is you are really not qualified to judge them and so you could be making an assumption of their intention.

So you could be holding back your love for all the wrong reasons. Please also remember that men and women experience the world in very different ways so it’s very easy get your partners true intention wrong.

Starting today make the assumption their intention is always good and give them your love, after all they might be in emotional pain in the moment and their behaviour could be a cry for you to help them.

When we remove the fears and think about how much we love our partners there is actually nothing we wouldn’t do for them.

  • Plus when you give love how does it really make you feel? Connecting with yourself in this way also creates more internal harmony for you and this state brings out love in them for you.

You’ll find that giving love is the answer and when you do it always, you find you’ll never have to take or make the relationship about you again.

  • Look forward to speaking to you in part three please post any questions or comments below.

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About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.

Comments

  1. I agree with what you say above about attempting to give, even when you are not getting. I have been in this situation. What do you do however, when the love you give is downright rejected? Is it
    i) not being given in the way the partner wants to receive it? (and if so, how can this be changed?)
    ii) continue giving, in the hope of breaking down barriers? (but how do you cope with so much rejection from the one nearest and dearest to you?)
    iii) shake them up, and tell them that you have needs to, and that they should wake up?

    thanks

    • Stephen Hedger says:

      Dear Hh

      Thank you for your comment.

      Yes if you are not giving you partner love in the way they want it then yes you will fail. You change it by finding out what they need.

      Yes breaking barriers is also critical, but I cannot give you clear help as your gender is not clear and this is important.

      Yes you have needs, but again the answer is going to be specific to gender again.

  2. Thanks for the response.
    I don’t know how to find out what my (male) partner needs. If I ask him directly, the response is “I don’t know, I just want to feel good / happy”.
    (I am female btw). I should add, that he has “checked out” of the relationship (of about 13yrs), and seems no longer interested / committed… I believe that the love is still there, and needs to be revived, but I don’t know how.

    thanks, any advice would be much appreciated.

    • Stephen Hedger says:

      You are probably right the love is still present, but he probably has in his mind exhausted, his ways to be successful with you.

      This for a man is critical.

      The problem is he was likely to be trying to give you what he thought you needed rather than what you really needed.

      If this happened you would feel not heard, respected or loved in the way you want to be loved.

      Is this the pattern for you both?

      • Thanks, yes, this pattern certainly sounds familiar. Sometimes, it even took the form of “demanding” or “acting up” on his part, which pushed me further away as I didn’t want to feel like his mother.
        If he has exhausted the possibilities in his mind, and has come to the conclusion that the relationship is not worth investing even one more week or month in, are there any ways for me to get through to him? I don’t want to be the “convincer”, nor do I want to invalidate his feelings, but I really do want to break down the barriers that he is putting up…

        • Stephen Hedger says:

          It is possible that without realising he wants you to act in ways his mother did. In other words he is confused between the love of a mother and your love.

          A partners love is very different and so he will be challenged if you feel unsafe. In responce he can act up because this is not how love should be for him.

          He in this place can create a desire see you as the strength in the relationship, what you desire is him to be that strength to look after you when you need it.

          After all if he can’t look after you how safe are you in this relationship when you consider the future?

          What to do is a challenge because he has to learn to shift into that masculine roll and become strong enough to look after you when you are in low states.

          What he feels in this place is he can never be successful with you, one of the way to help him is to tell him what masculine traits he has that feel good for you. Ask him to fix something for you, that kind of stuff.

          Ideally he needs to see someone like me so you can both really understand what is going on.

          I can see that you have contacted me so I hope that helps a little before we speak.

  3. Thanks. Yes, I need him to be strong for me. He isn’t always, so I feel I have to muddle along on my own, being strong both for myself and for him. This causes resentment. I have already stumbled upon the “please can you fix xyx” (and complimenting him afterwards) — have been trying to do this a lot, for the tiniest things. Don’t see a shift. I feel that he doesn’t want to put in the effort, and I feel that we’re throwing something away that is precious, and that can be “saved” by making some concrete changes.. Do you think this is possible?

    • Stephen Hedger says:

      The short answer is yes this can be changed and it’s not difficult once he understands what has really been going on.

      The challenge is getting him to come to my sessions.

      He will currently feel that he has done all he can and it is now hopeless. He will learn that he has much more to learn about how different the sexes are in how they think, how they view the world, how they communicate etc.

      Unless he knows how to understand all this he will always fail. Understanding is the key to his success as a man in this relationship.

  4. Thanks. Indeed, I have the impression that he has “moved on” or at least convinced himself of it. This is extremely difficult for me to watch. If you have any suggestions on how to get him to speak to you (phone?) then I would be grateful. Also, external interference from well-meaning (?) relatives who are only validating his viewpoint is not helping.

    thanks..

    • Stephen Hedger says:

      Yes I see, more lost people helping the lost man, very common and not helpful even if they do mean well.

      I would be more than happy to speak to him, but this would only have value if you were then able to get to see me? Is that possible?

      I would not charge for an initial chat with him.