If your relationship is struggling it’s usually because there is a needs issue. The couple feel that their own needs are not being met and so they feel that something is wrong.
For example a man could be complaining that the intimacy has declined. A woman could complain that she has to do everything?
Everyone has their own versions of their needs not being met so when it happens it can cause real problems.
What you can notice is the emphasis is on what THEY are NOT getting. If this goes on for long enough they can stop trusting each other to be the source of happiness.
This is why so many couples fail
For the relationship to work the focus for both people has to be on what you can contribute to your relationship. You have to GIVE to your partner for it to work. If one is giving and one is taking it will never be successful. Of course the person giving has to give what their partner really needs, or that’s as useful as not giving at all. So if you are giving please find out if it’s what they really wanted.
So many people go into relationships focused on what they want. It’s obvious that if both people are doing this they’ll totally miss what each other really needs and so they both are no longer the source of happiness for each other.
If the focus ends up being on what you are NOT GETTING the relationship will fall over.
The solution
Learn about your partner, what can you give to them that would help them to feel good about themselves when they are with you? Also help your partner understand how to be successful with you they probably don’t really know.
Understand the outcome you are after? What do you really want? A great outcome would be for your partner to feel good about themselves when they are with you. If you are both focused on this outcome what are the chances of you being happier?
Nagging, blaming, arguing, shutting down, will all push the person away so this can’t be your vehicle for creating a change towards growth.
The problem people have with the solution
If the problem has been going on for a while the individuals usually have no desire to meet each other needs because their own needs have not been met historically and there is too much resentment.
At this point TRUST is going to be the BIG problem.
Couples can feel things like, they don’t believe their partner really loves them, or they could feel they can never please their partner. Again each person is different.
This can ignite core fears in both people and they can start to move away from the relationship as a source of happiness.
Work, friends, hobbies, family etc… end up being where they feel most comfortable.
So the challenge now is, if the relationship is to survive one person has to breakthrough their own fears and GIVE to the relationship. BUT they have to give what their partner really wants, building back the trust has to be the initial focus.
So what can you give to your partner today, that will help them feel great about themselves when they are with you?
- Remember if you don’t help your partner to feel good about themselves when they are with you, they will attach their bad feelings to you. So any punishment you give will be a punishment to you too, if you want to keep the relationship.
About Stephen Hedger
