“Resentment stacking and the true cost”

Resentment stacking has hidden problems that people only see when it’s too late. So in today’s post I’m going to share what I see and where the danger sits.

When couples start a relationship at some point there is going to be some resistance and friction. Of course, some conflict is normal we are not going to agree all the time.

But when there becomes a gap between how life should be and how it really is, one or both people can start to resent the other.

The challenge with resentment is it creates a negative mindset and this can trigger the person to look for more problems.

A person looking for problems is always going to find something negative and when they find it they can resent that too.

Over time those resentments attached to big and small things will stack and can become overwhelming leading the person to want to stop the pain of this emotional experience.

They will also naturally be in a place to protect themselves from their partner.

This can be a lethal combination of emotions for any marriage. If I have to protect me from you how can I keep my love alive and if I have stacked resentments towards you there is a real danger I’m going to turn off any feelings I have towards you.

This is the danger people are not seeing…

…resentments can lead a person to a detached or numb emotional state. Essentially what this means is they are so emotionally overwhelmed they can turn off their feelings.

What they are unaware of is when they turn off the bad feelings to protect themselves they also turn off the good ones too.

This is why people on the edge of divorce really struggle to connect to any good emotions in the relationship and this can lead them to totally rewrite their history with their partner.

Essentially the person can enter a survival state and feel an overwhelming need to escape. It’s almost like their partner has become a physical danger to them.

What you would see in this situation is the person can leave the relationship go out with friends and feel great and come home and feel awful again.

The obvious conclusion is the relationship is making me feel bad so I must leave it.

Some people can live in a relationship for years say nothing secretly resenting and planning their escape which can be a horrible shock to the partner who had no idea there was a problem.

Some people are very vocal and can see their words are making no difference this can lead to resentment on both sides.

Some people do communicate their concerns at the start of their relationship which would be met with aggression so they shut up to and say nothing ever again stacking resentments.

One lady I met said for her the marriage was over, she did say six months before she wanted the marriage and pleaded with her husband to get professional help but he refused. A decision he regretted because now but she now feels it’s too late and wanted a divorce.

What she meant was she was on the edge of turning her feelings off and now they are off and she doesn’t love him any more.

She was not aware that if you can turn them off, they can be turned back on.

I have seen many couples who have fallen out of love divorced then turn up in my sessions confused. Their need to divorce was real, one person had lost love and divorce felt like the right solution at the time.

So how are they back in love and how do they make sure they don’t break it again?

The practice of resentment stacking is very damaging for any relationship so the skill of breaking through and making sure it never happens again is a critical skill to gain.

It’s so important in a marriage to keep resentments low and pleasure high and the only way to achieve this is to really understand your partners’ world and care about their feelings and emotions.

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.