How to save a failing relationship fast. The first thing to notice is that whatever you are doing is clearly not working. Many people in relationships tend to repeat the same patterns hoping for a different reaction, but always get the same ones.
- So bright intelligent people seem to lose their ability to learn, when they need it most.
For example:
A woman may complain, at her husband over and over again. Her constant complaining never seems to work. She has not learnt that this does not work. On occasions she can see that she has got him to do what she has asked, BUT he has done it from a place of resentment and deep inside her she knows this.
A man may retreat over and over again when he discovers a situation he does not like in his relationship. He may go silent, have a drink, go out. He practices this every time and every time he does this his wife becomes more crosser with him and so she resents him, deep inside him he knows this.
Punishment creates resentment and this is a pathway
to a relationship break-up.
Both men and women in these kind of situations feel stuck and so rather than searching for alternative behaviours they repeat what never works over and over in the hope that one day it will work.
Does punishment really create more love?
Socially we are conditioned that to get someone to change their behaviour we must punish them. This conditioning or brainwashing helps couples focus on punishment as a vehicle for change.
This is an illusion because whatever you put into a situation is usually what you get out. So if you put anger into a situation the usual reaction is you will be met with anger. Directly behind anger is fear so if your partner is shouting, know as a fact they are scared.
If couples could learn that love is the most powerful component for change in our partners then their behaviours would change and their relationship would transform. If couples could wake-up to what their partners are really saying then they would never punish them ever again.
What is the real message?
The wife who screams at frustration at her husband is actually communicating her fears that there might be something wrong with the relationship and she is scared. If the man knew this would he really run and ignore her, or would he love and support her? A real man would help her feel safe again.
The man who runs away is so frustrated and scared that he cannot fix this relationship, he cannot make her happy, so he can’t be good enough for her. If she knew his silence and running was a fear of losing her, do you think she would continue to help him feel less of a man by emotionally beating him up.
- Fear of losing the one you love and the feelings that you are not enough actually serve to help relationships create the one thing the couple fears most. Break-up, Separation, Divorce and proof that for this relationship you were not enough!
Relationships can be saved really fast once the couple understand how to understand the messages their partner is really giving them.
- Do you need help with this? If so don’t hesitate contact me today!
About Stephen Hedger
