Sexual Advances Blocked By Her Values

Dear Stephen

A guy that I have known for awhile has made an advance to want to kiss me. I don’t know where I stand with him. We have a platonic friendship – no committed relationship. His past relationships have been shaky – non committal – he has never been married – 50 years old which makes me feel emotionally unsafe with him.

I am interested in a long term relationship and eventually want to marry. I consider kissing very erotic which could lead to becoming sexual which I do not want to do before I am married. I don’t want to compromise my faith in God. I also consider kissing to be a part of a committed, monogamous relationship.

How do I explain all of this to him without being demanding – and thinking that I’m needy for him to want a relationship with me? I want to tell him all of the above and also that he needs to look at himself as to why he has been in and out of relationships all of his life. He needs to do this for himself not for a relationship. I need help in explaining this to him in love and not seeming judgemental. Also, I want to tell him that the relationship that I want is that both partners have the same beliefs and values.

Thank you.

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Thank you for your request for help.

I would firstly like to honour and respect your strong sense of yourself displayed through your beliefs, needs and your values.

You have set these up so well, that they will not allow you to compromises your long-term wishes for yourself and a happy future. This strength within you will allow you to be at one with yourself and all your life choices so this is a brilliant start.

You are also aware that through your feelings of wanting the best for you, you don’t want to be judgemental of him because you are probably aware that you may not understand fully, why he has behaved the way he has through his past relationships.

None of us are qualified to be anyone’s judge, so what we are left with is some questions, that for you, clearly need to be answered before you could ever be happy with this man.

The first question is what has generated a life without commitment for him? Is there a weakness in his values, or has is he also been living by his values, but they are just different to yours? Maybe he has never met someone right for him and he has been true to himself, or maybe he also lives in fear of being hurt, just like you.

Many, many possibilities and this is why a judgement of him is not possible or fair. However you are right to be concerned, because you see he has lived a life which is not like the one you want, and you know that to be happy you would have to share the same vision and values.

You also mention that you don’t want to be demanding. You’re never demanding if all you do is set a boundary of what you will accept. A boundary is a solid and inactive place that protects you, the word demanding is only relevant when someone who is aware of your boundary selfishly takes action and steps over it, again and again. Was he aware of your boundary?

You are in a position of strength here through your beliefs and values so you will never be hurt if you live by them as you are.

An honest conversation with this man outlining your critical needs, will help him understand what he has to do if he wishes to have a relationship with you, this is simply you being “honest” and I know you value that.

As you know he is not qualified to judge you so no matter what his opinion of you after your conversation this could never be respected or trusted.

I have one question for you? He has shown sexual attraction, but does that mean he wants more? Be sure you understand his intention behind his advance, because you maybe rejected through confusion of meaning, is this where your fear sits with him?

Your other option is to wait to see if he makes another advance towards you, if he does then that’s your chance to let him know what is important to you and if he is serious about you what you would like to happen so you can be safe.

If he is an honest, respectful man and he really wants you he will do anything to help you to feel secure with him by giving you what you really need.

Please let us know how you get on.

Stephen Hedger

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.

Comments

  1. Thank you for your previous informative response to my question.

    I will wait until the next time that my friend may show another advance toward me. To outline my critical needs would go something like this:

    “I don’t feel comfortable kissing you. I consider kissing very erotic. We’re not consistent in seeing in each other. It’s very important that whoever my partner is – our values and beliefs must be congruent. I am looking for a monogamous committed relationship.”

    I would appreciate your input

    When I told him no about kissing him – he said afterwards that he had to get over his obstacles. He has fears of intimacy – also, I think he’s seeing someone for his sexual needs. So perhaps, he’s counting the cost of what he wants to do.

    Please explain from your last answer about understanding his intention behind his advance – rejected through confusion of meaning and my fear?

    Also, I would like to get your perspective on a few other incidents. A few weeks ago, I met him for coffee and then we go for a trek. I was a few mins late –he purchased his coffee and a sweet and sat outside. I saw him as I entered and it didn’t sit well with me that he didn’t wait for me to order coffee together. I didn’t say anything about it – I purchased my coffee and went outside to him. I’m thinking that there was an incident before when I met him at the coffee place and he came from outside to offer to pay and I said no that’s ok. So maybe he thought it was ok this time.

    When we went on the trek – he walked most of the time ahead of me – he didn’t bring any extra water/snacks. He only brought one bottle of water for himself. I brought snacks and water for both of us. It’s not a big deal but reflecting – it seems as if I wasn’t on his mind – like he’s not thoughtful.

    Lastly, when we do go out – every 2 or 3 months – I meet him at a coffee place and then we go out together from there. Can you help me to understand why he doesn’t pick me up from my house? Thank you for your input.

    I’ve been feeling lately that he’s not grateful for me and perhaps he’s not interested in a long-term relationship. Perhaps, he’s afraid of rejection as well. Maybe he’s not available right now because of his insecurities and his sexual encounters that maybe he’s not ready to give up.
    Thank you.

    • Stephen Hedger says:

      Hi thank you for coming back to us.

      The last part of your question to me is regarding how he conducts himself around you. Is he scared, does he not know what to do, is he testing you, maybe he does not yet know your rules for how a relationship should be.

      It really depend on how much you like this man and if you want to find out what going within him. You can help him to be successful with you by telling him what you want in a relationship, but are you going to have to explain everything and is this going to ruin your vision of the man you wanted.

      The reason you feel so unsettled is becuase this man is not doing what your vision tells you a man should do.

      Find out why and then decide if there is a good reason or if you are going to have to teach him how to be successful with you.

      The first part of your question is regarding your values and needs and that they have to be inline to work. Yes it makes life much easier if you are both sharing the sames values becuase then your belief systems will not be fighting.

      Thank you again for your response.

      Kind regards

      Stephen Hedger