Yes there has to be a strategy because all couples can’t be helped the in the exact same way. Each couple will have a very unique challenge and so their solution has to reflect this.
What’s important to understand is that all individuals have a complex layering of needs, beliefs and values that’s combined with their personal experience of their relationship so far.
This will be automatically creating their specific relationship dynamic. Their dynamic will either lead them to a connection that works for them, or to an emotional disconnection, which of course eventually leads many couple to divorce.
Persistent marriage problems will create heightened sensitivity in both people, so when working with any couple the way to solve any marital challenge is to do so gently and powerfully. It must be conducted in a way that helps the couple agree that each step is talking them to a much safer and potentially more connected place.
The starting point: Whenever I’m working with a couple my first job is to understand where they really are?
This is important because most couples will be making their bad situation much worse by misunderstanding where they really are.
For example: I see so many couples come into the sessions who are trying to stop their partner leaving the relationship. They have not realised emotionally their partner has already left, so instead of making progress they are simply irritating their partner into a cast iron position of wanting a divorce.
So if you want to make progress then respecting your partners position who wants to leave is critical. This can help your partner to become far less protective and potentially more open to exploring the relationship with you. This of course is just one of the many perceptual positions a couple can find themselves in.
The bigger picture is couples may have a perception of how bad their situation is, but getting to their reality is the skill that’s needed to help them successfully move forward.
Some feel their relationship is worse than it is and some are totally unaware their relationship has temporarily died.
My point here is knowing where you are today is the most critical step. I’m never concerned how bad a couple is because I’ve seem the most desperate cases turn into amazing successes.
My big concern is that if we are going to plot a course from where they are to where they would like to be, we must understand tangibly what those two points are so the correct strategy can implemented.
Once we know where the couple really are today only then are we able to help them on a journey to understand how they got there and how to help them create lasting success in the future.
Of course some couples come in wanting me to fix their problems and some who have suffered for years simply want to learn if success is actually possible because, their experience has given them grave concerns for the future.
So as you can see the first step is understanding where the couple really is today. From this point we can understand how bad their relationship really is and build a strategy from this starting point.
Far too many couples are missing this critical starting point and are trying to solve their marital problems from the wrong starting point only to discover they have been making their situation much much worse.
This is why I run Initial Consultation Assessments for all couples: I need to assess where the couple is really before we agree to start any work together.
This way I can help a couple understand the strategy needed to get them to where they say they want to be.
Please click the link to book your Initial Consultation Assessment
About Stephen Hedger
