Very sad divorce regret story that changed her whole life and the life of her child, who had no say in her mistake; she said to me, “…but I’m confused, why was I so sure I wanted to divorce him?
What do you do when a spouse is convinced the marriage is over and later experiences regret?
Unfortunately, many couples are unaware of how much havoc their minds can play with their thoughts as they struggle to make sense of their marital crisis.
So I thought it worthwhile to expand on this topic of divorce regret to help you either avoid this or take action if divorce is on your mind.
I see a good volume of couples that have split up prior to seeing me, and months/years later come to my session needing help to understand what a divorce means and how they can ensure it doesn’t happen again.
When we experience relationship problems, of course, our feelings are real, but the meanings we put to them are not going to be as factual as we might think.
A study was conducted, and it revealed that at least 50% of people who chose to divorce regretted that decision once the dust had settled.
You can bet before their divorce, they were 100% convinced this was the right decision.
I remember a couple in a session 3 years ago; she was hell-bent on leaving her husband, they had a two-year-old son; later, she would experience the regret of her divorce.
She was shut down and totally detached emotionally. She said she had no feelings for him whatsoever, and they were over.
I was not convinced she was doing the right thing, so I told her so, but she was on a mission to leave.
Three months after she left him, she called an emergency session with me and flew 1000s of miles to spend a day with me.
She wanted to know why she had wanted a divorce so passionately, and why she felt so different today. She didn’t understand why she couldn’t see this regret of divorce before her decision.
She had a new brief for me: She wanted me to help her win her husband back and save her marriage.
This turned out to be impossible for her because although he never wanted the divorce, he quickly moved on to what turned out to be his new wife.
It’s very common for men to move quickly when a relationship ends, it’s the fastest way he knows to get over his wife’s decision to divorce him.
She was totally devastated and spent weeks with me getting over her decision.
This was a very sad story; many people are unaware that their relationship can create such powerful feelings that can confuse their ability to make a decision that’s good for them.
Some people are divorcing their partner only to discover they experience similar problems in the next relationship, and then they confront the divorce regret.
Individuals come to sessions after multiple relationship failures, communicating that they can now see the problem was not their partners or their relationships. It was actually them.
In the severest of cases, as a person moves towards divorce, the individual can seem to rewrite their history to be bad right from the start.
They will even be reluctant to seek help because of what they feel represents their new truth.
What they feel and have been feeling for a while has not helped them feel good, so they have attached that feeling to their relationship, but this assumption will always be an oversimplification.
They will, of course, have an answer for every challenge, turn any fact into more of a reason to leave and even be happy to make it all their fault, but this doesn’t make what they are saying true, but it will feel true to them.
One of the many challenges: The person who is feeling bad is usually unaware they are the one creating their own feelings and so the question that is left unanswered is what feelings are being created and what is really causing them?
What most people discover is what they think is not going to be their truth, this is a shocking realisation, often leading to divorce regret.
So if a person is shutting down emotionally in their relationship this needs to be expanded so they can learn if the relationship is really dying or is the person’s thinking is part of the problem.
What I usually find is both people’s thinking has been the problem and this is due to a catalogue of misunderstandings leading the couple to disconnect.
Attach the wrong meaning to a situation, and you’ll make yourself feel bad, but blame your partner.
In my position, I know full well how much couples need to know if they are going to have a relationship for life.
Sadly, many don’t know what information they are missing and, in the end, become too seduced by their reactive feelings.
One of the typical focuses is to keep all the wrongs they have experienced alive in their mind, eventually leading to regret after their divorce.
A person who feels wronged and keeps focused on those wrongs will eventually make a decision to detach and at that moment it’s only a matter of time till they feel so numb they now feel safe to leave the marriage.
If couples took a moment to explore their relationship and their own behaviours what many will discover is where they are is where they should be based on how they have reacted to each other.
Usually what’s at fault is the couples’ lack of knowledge of what has to really happen if they are going to keep a marriage alive for life.
Getting a divorce is a big decision and, for many, a big gamble, and sadly, they are not aware they are taking it.
All they are focused on is getting out and feeling good again.
Divorcing has lasting consequences not just for the couple but also for their children, not forgetting the extended families.
So when they do get out of the marriage, feeling good can be a short-lived relief, which often leads to confronting the true cost of divorce regret.
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Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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