We just can’t seem to communicate

One of the biggest obstacles to a successful marriage I see over and over again is the inability to communicate effectively. Communication problems are significant blocks for lasting passion and intimacy, so this one is a must to learn.

Without a doubt men and women confuse each other constantly and this causes so much suffering. As you scan through this post I wonder what you will start to experience as you think about your relationship?

There is a very famous story in my world I want to share with you first, but I can’t remember where I heard it.

“A man is driving on a motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. She sees a sign that says motorway services 1 mile. She turns to her husband and says….

“… are you hungry darling?”

He responds with a direct “NO!” and then without a word he drives past the services.

Most women and some men will know what happens next.

To those that don’t know, she’s is likely to be in disbelief as he clearly has given her no thought and so in her mind – he doesn’t care about her.

In his mind, had she asked him to pull over because she is hungry, in a heartbeat he would have wanted to support her. All she had to do was ask…

She thinks he didn’t care because he didn’t ask her, he can’t understand why she didn’t say what she wants. This type of disconnect is one of many models couples can operate that lead to disconnection.

For most men women’s language patterns are totally confusing. He can hear each word, he can find a way to make them make sense to him, BUT is he really understanding what she means?

As part of helping couples rebuild their marriage out of crisis situations giving couples the skills of how to really hear each other is ONE critical skill to master.

It’s big one that most couples simply don’t have. So if you are struggling in this area you are not alone. Most couples don’t know how to communicate effectively and so they constantly disconnect until one person gives up.

Effective communication with a woman has three core focuses, but there is an overriding critical part I will explain afterwards.

She will need…

Emotional connection: Understand when she wants just to connect with him.

Transactional connection: Understand when she want him to just fix the problem.

Repair the relationship model: Understand when she is needs to feel safe and loved.

Men generally have one mode and that’s if you are talking to him he is naturally looking to understand the point of the conversation and what she needs fixing.

Obviously if a women is trying to create an emotional connection through sharing her experience or her day with him, she is going to naturally become frustrated if he keeps fixing problems she doesn’t have.

She needs the “emotional connection” so she can be intimate with him and he wants to fix her problems fast (transactional connection) so he can get her in the mood for intimacy… can you see the problem here? Two people with the same goal yet the approach disconnects them. So intimacy becomes a potential problem as they are consistently on a different page.

I mentioned there was an overriding critical part.

How we communicate comes from the identity we are living in at that moment. I’ll set up the theory first then apply this to real life situations to help you.

Think about this logically, a person in fear is naturally going to have a very different communication experience from one that is happy. There are two types of people, those that know they are living in fear – and those that don’t.

If I go deeper on this, a person who is stuck in a identity that has been successful will use that identity as their mode of operation – this identity can take many forms.

  • A person who has been abused as a child can live as an adult with the protection system that child created.
  • A women who is naturally feminine can live a masculine energy to protect herself from weak husband, or challenging life conditions, or both.
  • A man can live in a emasculated position in the marriage just to keep the peace.
  • A CEO of a company can live in that identity because it’s been successful for them. They end up being CEO of their spouse and kids.
  • A wife can adopt identity of mum and live in it with her husband – sexually challenging.
  • Others can live in very strong controlling positions only to complain their partners are weak or unless.

All of these identities will create a filter in which two people can use in order to communicate and hear each other.

The key in intimate relationships is to get a couple to a place where they can communicate from a position of being a valuable “husband” and valuable “wife”.

Valuable husbands and wives have specific roles that will naturally create attraction. Both people can from these healthy foundational identities adopt the right energy that will lead them to natural attraction.

The skill now is to keep that natural attraction alive through effective communication skills designed for all eventualities with effective relationship planning.

This way the couple can repair their problems as they go let go of past wrongs and build a purposeful and exciting future together.

So if you are going round in circles it’s highly likely that more is going on than you are aware of and a few simple shifts of focus could dramatically change your relationship and connection to each other.

Effective communication is critical for lasting intimacy so it’s important to learn this life changing life skill if lasting love and passion is important to you.

Want to learn more contact us for more information.


About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.