After working with couples in crisis for well over 15 years it’s not difficult to see the common trends that help couples migrate from attraction into marital crisis.
Before you scan through these 6 reasons below…
I have spent the last couple of days running free calls with people in severe marital crisis.
A few of times a year I like to help my subscribers with their relationship changes for free. This is 45 minutes with me working out how to breakthrough your problems.
I was of course inundated with requests. I managed to speak to as many as I could. If you want to get on this list for future calls please register here.
These people were all stuck not sure what to, so they are suffering. Some are unsure if they should stay or go, some want me to fix them. Some just don’t know why they are in this place.
With each person my mission was to help them see their situation so differently so they were empowered to take new actions that would help to give them the answer to their questions.
What was interesting is each person I spoke to reflected a combination of these six core issues I see every day.
- Couples are not taking the right steps to keep the marriage alive and passionate.
- Couples don’t know how to repair their marriage when it goes wrong.
- Couples don’t see soon enough they are heading for a crisis.
- Couples lack the tools to understand and learn what their partner is really experiencing in the marriage.
- Couples heading for or in crisis are assuming the relationship is the problem.
- Couples end up protecting themselves from each other.
Below I’m going to expand of each these critical topics.
1. Couples are not taking the right steps to keep the marriage alive and passionate.
If you are going to commit your life to another person, the only life you have, then it’s critical that you know how to keep that marriage alive, most people don’t. I hear so many people want passion, love, connection, security but are behaving in ways that simply help their partner to attach pain to them.
It’s an absolute must to start to learn now how to help your partner feel amazing about themselves whilst they are with you.
For example many men want regular sex and then behave in ways that stop her wanting to have sex with him. For many women this happens because she missing that emotional connection with him that’s the bridge he can build to opening her to intimate connection.
I see many men shutting down emotionally with her because she treats him like a child and then blames him for being a child.
2. Couples don’t know how to repair their marriage when it goes wrong.
One of the fundamental skills couple MUST have is the ability to quickly repair their marriage when it goes wrong. The reason this is important is to avoid resentment stacking which can lead to emotional detachment – next step divorce or a couple that just gives up.
Many couples bury their heads in the sand, some are simply afraid to share the pain they are in through fear of backlash. Some are in emotional pain and struggle to put words to it so they put up with it.
AND some of course are simply avoiding conflict at all costs.
It’s important to know that just because problems are not being communicated it doesn’t mean they’re gone.
Problems have to be let go of or they will erode the relationship as this person will struggle to show up in the relationship successfully.
3. Couples don’t see soon enough they are heading for a crisis.
This one is crucial to understand because far to many people are not seeing their partner is detaching before they drop the bomb.
These people may feel they have tried to get through, but it feels impossible.
They may feel their partner doesn’t love they because they keep telling them they are unhappy, but it falls on deaf ears.
People that don’t see the problems their partner is in are making their relationship vulnerable to…
- Circular conflicts
- Power struggles
- Affairs
- I love you but I’m not in love with you
- Emotional detachment – self numbing
My message is learn how to engage with your partner so they feel you are on the same page.
If you don’t know how to then learn!
4. Couples lack the tools to understand and learn what their partner is really experiencing in the marriage.
My message here is it’s critical to get on the same page and become a team in all aspects of your marriage.
1. Communication: learn how to listen to what your partner is really saying to you. I know this is a big one because what people say and what they actually mean can vary, so the skill of listening is how to ask the questions that lead you to their true meanings.
2. Confilct: How to deal with conflict so both people win and both people can let the problem go because as a team you have solved it.
3. Sexual connection and intimacy: Make this a priority as it’s what makes your connection different/special from every other relationship you have.
4. Plan your relationship: I have yet to meet a couple that have a real plan that both people are excited about that gives them real purpose.
5. Children: Become your children’s role models. Show them how to create a safe strong bond. If you don’t know how find out, because they are watching you both.
5. Couples heading for or in crisis are assuming the relationship is the problem.
Many of my clients learn that what seemed like an obvious relationship problem or incompatibility actually ended up being a very different issue.
IMPORTANT: Emotional pain is about attachment to a meaning the person creates.
For example every time I am with you I feel bad, when I’m with my friends I feel good. The assumption is the relationship is the problem.
What if the person is the problem? What if when I’m with my friends I’m looking to have a great time, yet when I’m with my partner all I look for is problems.
This shift of perspective is going to create very powerful feelings which will trick the brain into thinking you’re not safe with someone, so you’ll detach from them to protect yourself.
In this example the persons problem is they are disconnected from themselves, and this is why they are in pain. To be clear not feeling you can be yourself is painful for anyone.
This of course is one example of many.
6. Couples end up protecting themselves from each other.
This really is a big one. If you are protecting yourself from your partner then be absolutely clear that you are in a process of shutting you down emotionally.
This process is especially powerful if it’s repeated and forms part of how you operate in your marriage.
Not only does protecting yourself lead so many couple to divorce, it also blocks them from being of value to their marriage.
I hear so many people spend years protecting themselves from pain they offer very little value to their partner. They come to me because their partner has mirrored them because they don’t feel valued, loved, desired, safe etc.
My message with all these points is relationships have to be created and built in a way that helps them grow to be successful.
To grow you must feed them and look after them.
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My very best to you all.
Stephen Hedger
