When a marriage is on the rocks, the right questions must be asked to prevent either the wrong decision or the cycle of future destructive relationships.
In today’s post, a lady was heavily relying on her feelings and was blindly following them as if they were facts and, therefore, the only path.
In short, this lady was convinced her marriage was over.
She told me her love for her husband had gone, and she felt the marriage should end on that basis; it had felt bad for a few years.
I thought there was a possibility she was right.
Maybe they are at the end, but I wanted to help them make sure they didn’t suffer regret later as so many do when they don’t see the forces at play.
So I asked her three questions.
- What was the process you used to turn off your feelings of love?
- How are your feelings of love created?
- How are your feelings generally created?
I felt as her feelings could help her decide the rest of her life; it might be helpful for her to understand how those feelings were created and why.
She paused for a while; I could tell the question irritated her and left her with some confusion.
She then decided she couldn’t answer and responded with a sharp, “I feel what I feel, all right”!
I then asked her if she was interested in the answers to those three questions as her families lives were hanging in the balance.
Reluctantly she agreed.
I am all too aware of how challenging my questions were; you see, when someone gets to the point of making such important decisions, the pain they went through to get to that decision would have been significant.
Asking someone to revisit their decision is not pleasant as they can worry they might have to go through that pain again, or they might be talked back into a painful situation.
Any breakthrough or any growth naturally comes with some level of discomfort, but it’s important for that person to be safe.
That is why it takes real courage to do this work, and many just don’t have that courage.
I knew she would rather be challenged than make a life-changing decision she would regret.
You see, she was under the illusion her husband had created her feelings.
She had to learn her husband does not have that power; she is the only person that can create her feelings.
He can indeed trigger her, but the feeling after the trigger is of her own creation.
Her other challenge is her thoughts are not hers.
When people have upsetting thoughts when they identify with them, that can trigger their own pain.
So the combination of thinking her husband created her feelings and not being aware that her thoughts would only be powerful if she identified with them had left her powerless.
She had created a lot of her own suffering through being powerless to her feelings.
What she was blind to were the choices that she could make that would have stopped the suffering that led her to feel divorce was the only choice.
She could have chosen a better feeling to experience within herself and learnt how to influence her husband positively because things will always go wrong.
All couples have problems, some couples make them so bad the relationship heads towards divorce and other couples in similar situations make better choices and keep their connection alive.
She didn’t have these skills, and all she had to do was learn them and put them into practice.
The key with life problems is not to become less of who you are to solve them.
If your partner has lost control it’s important you don’t join them as a means to solve the challenge.
Feelings are important, but you must decide the ones you want and the ones you don’t and remember those feeling are created within you so make sure your choosing the ones that bring out the best in you and any situation.
For many people this is not a skill they have and so must be learnt so they can live their best life.