Affairs are dangerous for the people having them because there are hidden forces at play that take over what they feel.
People can make life-changing decisions based on their feelings so this is important to understand.
Affairs create illusions of feelings that are not designed to last, one gentleman told me it was like waking up holding a hot potato.
I was in a session with a Neuro Surgeon who had an affair, I said to him “we are going to have an interesting chat, you know what your mind is chemically doing to you!”
He replied ” I know, I know!
Over the past 17+ years, I have seen my fair share of couples in trouble due to affairs and the destruction they create.
Interestingly the most negatively affected in the end are usually the ones who had the affairs as you will see they are the most out of control but don’t see it.
Many people come for help years after their affair.
Some leave their spouses after an affair with some deciding to marry the affair partner.
Interestingly only 5% of marriages that start from affairs actually survive, so there is a lot of risk in this process as you will soon see below.
So the ones that do get married then usually suffer for years with multiple problems ironically “trust” is at the core.
You see affairs create illusions the affair couple are unaware of.
And people in affairs, buy these illusions as if they are real, they don’t see what is about to unfold or what is really happening to them.
One of the illusions an affair creates is they both feel amazing and they attach that feeling to their affair partners.
This creates a powerful contrast to a marriage that may have been struggling.
One of the illusions affairs create for many is it confirms a thought.
“The marriage problems were never me!”
“I’m in this new relationship and it’s amazing, it’s fun, passionate, I feel free to be me again.”
That feeling is very addictive, but it is an illusion.
Their thinking continues “Clearly I was right and my marriage or my partner was always the problem because now I am happy.”
Many feel a sense of clarity, they now understand the problem and what they need to do to solve it.
As they think this they collect up more proof collecting only what proves their story right.
This is a terrible illusion to buy because not only do they not see their part in the marital problems.
They somehow believe they are now an amazing partner in an amazing relationship.
Having an affair does not make anyone an overnight amazing partner.
It’s like a drunk person who thinks they can sing.
Like the drunk person affected by alcohol, they are drunk on chemicals designed to attract us to the new partner.
They still have no idea what they are doing they are simply consumed with chemicals designed to make them feel amazing and now they have attached that feeling to their affair partner.
It’s why they call it crazy in love.
None of what they feel will last because those chemicals will die off and they will be left with the same skill they used in their marriage.
So in many cases what they feel initially has nothing to do with their new lover at all.
I wonder what they would do if they knew this.
The power at play is an attachment process which is very powerful.
Most of the time people in affairs feel amazing about themselves, but are unaware it has nothing to do with the affair partner at all.
When people get caught and worry they might lose their marriage will say “It meant nothing” This comment although not very helpful is actually true in most cases once they wake to reality.
Their affair is usually about them, how they felt about themselves and not about the other person.
You see we can all feel amazing within ourselves and attach it to anything.
It’s the same process someone might use to become afraid of a banana skin.
People who smoke think it relaxes them, not one chemical in cigarettes actually does that, smoking is a self-created anchor to relaxation, yet another illusion.
The problem is whilst in an affair they attach their powerful feelings to the new person and now they say they are in love.
What they love is how they feel about themselves when they are with their new partner.
It’s why affairs relationships are ultimately so unsuccessful the affair isn’t about their partner it’s about themselves.
You can bet neither person knows this as they give up their whole lives hurting their children in the process.
Understanding the human mind and how it responds in intimate relationships is critical if you want a happy life.
We are chemical beings and nature has designed our chemicals for the survival of the species. So it has attached massive pleasure to the process of survival.
So affairs don’t in the end create pleasure or clarity and they certainly don’t make people effective partners.
There are many pitfalls to avoid and it’s only easy when you can see them.
One of my missions is to give people the skills to understand the reality of their experiences so they can trust themselves to make good life decisions.
Affairs will always happen, the question is when will they wake up to the truth.
Before or after they lost everything?
Navigating an affair effectively is a significant challenge, especially for those wanting to rebuild trust after an affair discovery.
You see the only solution to protecting the relationship is learning how to be an effective partner.
Relationships need to be fed and protected if they are to survive.
That takes both people upping their game to reassure the marriage is safe, valuable and wanted.
Related…
How to rebuild trust in a relationship after cheating?