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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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“An expert would have predicted their future problems”

What’s always so sad is the volume of people who come to me with problems that could have been averted very simply many years before.

The question is when should couples come and see me? The answer is the day they committed their lives to each other.

The challenge is people who don’t see their problems don’t seek help but an expert would see the signs long before they become a problem.

You see when two people with very different emotional systems have agreed to try to be happy together for years they are in for a shock at some point.

As things go wrong they will start to see these differences appear as each person makes less and less sense to the other.

The ticking bomb

In today’s post, I’m going to share the biggest problem and what has to happen for the couple to get past that problem and experience their truth.

You see far too many married people are not seeing their problems before they start to grab hold and silently erode their connection year on year whilst no one is looking.

It’s a ticking bomb that doesn’t go away.

I remember one lady who was desperate for help. Her husband couldn’t see the problem so refused any help and stopped her from getting help on her own.

A year later we got a message she had given up and filed for divorce, he was devistated.

Please note: Getting help has an expiry date so please don’t ignore problems.

People are only seeing or believing the problem when a crisis strikes and at this point it is usually so hard on both people.

It’s why many give up and walk away.

I have lost count of the number of people I have stopped from walking away from their marriage because I can see their problem(s) are not permanent.

I just need a chance to show them what they cannot see today.

The smart ones are sceptical, but curious enough to explore this with me.

Imagine breaking up a marriage and a family only to discover the same problems happening in the next relationship, how devastating.

Most think the problems are because of their partner, they are unaware of their part in the process of disconnection.

The problem that clouds the truth

When someone has spent years feeling bad in a marriage and has done all they can think of to deal with their problems they can give up.

The shorthand version is their resentments would have outgrown their pleasure and the person can conclude the next 5 years to be more of the same, so what’s the point in carrying on.

Some people can find their resentments are attached to a need to self-protect or defend themselves in some way.

This process disables their ability to keep a healthy connection alive so they naturally lose feelings of emotional safety, and so lose feelings of love and passion.

In essence, they stop finding their partner attractive, some can emotionally detach others simply feel numb.

So it’s not difficult to see why so many think this is the end for them.

Understanding the first real problem is critical

The real challenge isn’t about others being able to see the couple’s true potential this is the mistake a panicked person can make.

The mission is not to change the person’s mind because you will only solidify their negative position.

The way to help them is to change what you bring to the table so they can have a different or new emotional experience when they are with you.

They will only change their mind if they convince themselves it’s a good idea to do so.

FACT: People can never be forced to love their partners when they don’t.

FACT: People fall back in love because they choose to through a reinvestment model.

You see falling in and out of love is a process and this process is very different from the process couples who have just met go through.

In extreme cases, the problem is this.

The person who is convinced it’s over or sceptical will probably be exhausted from years of upset and have a belief system that means reconciliation is either not possible or not palatable.

Some in this place will not want to take action and probably stopped taking any positive action months or years before their decision/emotional disclosure.

Note: When someone is convinced the marriage is over, getting them back in to explore will be emotionally upsetting and challenging for them.

To them, they are volunteering to experience more pain with the proof of how bad it’s been clearly embedded in their belief system.

Investment or lack of it is the first problem

You see when people come to see me they are in many levels of investment.

  • Some are convinced it’s over and are only speaking to me because their partner asked them to.
  • Some speak to me because they are confused they don’t know what they want anymore.
  • Some are afraid of both staying in the marriage and being on their own.
  • Some would like it to work but just cannot see how.

Some have spent years removing their investment because for them nothing they do works so what’s the point.

A person can display their upset passively or aggressively.

Others have just accepted the lack of emotional connection and so they live a transactional life – one person is going to become unhappy with this as loss of sexual intimacy usually follows.

See the truth and reinvest

Thankfully once couples understand their situation and the influencing factors a person’s feelings can return to them.

You see what people are not seeing is reinvestment and continuous investment is what creates feelings and keeps them alive.

Before I go into this I do want to stress that it doesn’t mean anyone can make it work with anyone.

What’s important is with so much at stake discovering what’s possible for any couple in crisis is so important.

So when couples come to see me I stress to them I am not trying to fix them.

What we are looking to discover is what is possible for that couple with the right help.

This way two intelligent people can make informed decisions.

Far too many people leave their marriage unaware they are the problem too.

“I need to look at myself in the mirror and know I did all I could”

This is a typical message I receive from those wanting to see the truth.

  • People trying to save their marriage on their own come to me.
  • People who are desperate to save a marriage with a sceptical partner come to me.
  • Sceptical partners who want a sanity check come on their own.
  • People having affairs who are stuck with who to choose come to me.

The truth is relationships are a challenge made significantly easier by understanding what is happening and how to influence the situation positively.

What does a healthy relationship look like?

  • So a healthy relationship helps each person become more of who they really are.
  • Both people are invested in supporting each other’s core needs.
  • When things go wrong they get closer and become a team solving their problems together.
  • They have a shared vision of the future and are excited to experience that future.
  • These couples are not disappointed when a problem arises because they know what to do when they do.
  • In fact, the way they deal with their problems is one of the keys to keeping their sexual intimacy alive.
  • These couples don’t have a need to focus on being safe with each other, because the way they love and support each other keeps them safe.

Most couples are struggling to achieve this and it’s because their thinking is limited to what they know, not what they are capable of achieving.

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Recent Posts

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Over 1300 Relationship Articles


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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

From Battlefield to Breakthrough: How to Save Your Marriage Without a Toxic Fight.

January 31, 2025 By Stephen Hedger

Most people who come to me for help believe their marriage is broken, so their level of hope is not high. Many will have tried to fix the problems without success. These people are unaware that there is a critical mindset shift: if you don’t make it, your chances of success dramatically drop. As you […]

“By changing yourself, you can change a relationship… because I did!”

September 16, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

We were in the process of physical separation, with my husband arranging to move out at the end of the month, and I was getting legal advice on proceeding with the divorce.  On one of those distressed and sleepless nights, I came across Stephen’s website and his blog. I was fascinated. What Stephen has written […]

“There’s no hope in hell – I want a divorce!”

April 22, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

So what do you do when the trust is broken so badly that their relationship ends with them selling their family home and moving into separate homes? Most people would consider this the end, but this gentleman decided something different. He wrote to me to see if I could help. I wanted to encourage his […]

Marriage Crisis from Infidelity & Communication Breakdown

August 21, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

Today’s post is about a professional couple in the UK who decided they wanted to share their experience of their tailormade program that was designed to help them out of their marital challenges. They were in crisis due to communication breakdown and infidelity. They had 12 meetings over five months to learn how to reconnect […]

His Marriage was Over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness; his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally.


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.


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Recent Posts

  • “Should I Stay or Go?” Why You Shouldn’t Make Big Decisions While You’re Still Suffering
  • Stop & Never: The 30 Patterns That Quietly Destroy Relationships
  • “How to Fix Communication Issues in a Marriage”
  • “First Step to Fixing Any Marriage Problem”
  • Impossible Marriage Problems?
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