No one has a trouble-free marriage. The objective is to get the formula right and stack the odds so you have more pleasure than pain more often.
To achieve this, it means learning why you are different and setting your expectations correctly.
So this means we should expect trouble but understand how to turn that trouble into pleasure as quickly as possible.
You see, most people only know how to create more trouble from their troubles, and this is because their knowledge and their expectations are set incorrectly.
This generally creates a self-protective energy, and now they are part of what’s making it worse whilst complaining that it’s worse.
Trouble-free marriages simply don’t exist, and for those interested to learn your problems are there for a reason, you are just missing the message.
You see, you cannot put two people together who think differently with very different needs, totally different routes to gaining personal happiness in a marriage for life and expect no problems.
The problems are not the issue. I know some people think they shouldn’t have problems, but this is unrealistic; To be honest, I’m surprised if there are no problems in my own life.
The key to success is not to have no problems. The key is knowing what to do when they show up; that way, you won’t fear them.
So the real problem most couples face is how they manage their problems.
I do have some people that tell me they never argue, and they do seem proud of it.
But my instant question is, what’s your sex life like and the answer is always the same – “it’s dead”!
So you can’t deal with problems in a way that creates more problems.
So when a woman is upset, many men think the solution is to walk off so she can calm down.
Him walking off will only make her more upset; if he keeps walking off, she will build a profile of who he is – uncaring, unloving etc.
Over time that builds resentment, and resentments will create detachments.
Many women will say the same thing over and over to try and get through to him.
She is doing this without understanding it’s the fastest way to ensure he will switch off and hear none of what she is saying.
All he will hear or learn is how irritating she is and build that profile of her; he can then build resentments, which also leads to detachment.
The complication with these generalisations is that they describe a trend of a majority, but there are always exceptions.
So men and women can swap these trends.
This is why when helping couples, I have to understand the trend swaps they do, as it’s common for couples to swap simultaneously.
This complication can compound their problems as men and women swap and change their masculine and feminine patterns depending on the topic or situation.
Our differences are bigger than we think
So we hope for no problems in our marriage, but we don’t understand we both have very different communication patterns.
We have very different needs, we may share similar values systems but with different rule structures – who knew that?
We don’t process any moment the same, and each person’s routes to sexual connection are very different, almost opposite to their partner.
Plus, our problem-solving strategies are very different, so how can we ever become a team?
Couples have far more differences than they are aware of, and yet many set their expectations of their partner to be the same as themselves.
They then wonder why CONNECTION is a problem.
This year many couples on the edge of divorce have spent time understanding these differences and found their way back to a connection that makes sense to both people again.
Many people come to me on their own, wanting the best strategy to help their partner back into the marriage without them ever attending.
Many of these people are successful because they have learnt how to bring out the best in themselves and their partners.
So for those wanting to learn the fastest way to reconnect and powerful strategies for helping your partner reinvest no matter what has happened, there is a route to success for you.
That route is understanding so you can comprehend what’s going on, so you know what to say and do that will gain a positive impact for you both.
Applying the correct strategy to any situation is the real key to success, and every couple I meet will require a unique strategy, there is no one size fits all.
Not one couple working with me has the same process for reinvestment because everyone is unique, and so is their connection.
If you are new to this blog, many people are sharing their experiences here.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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