Many couples come for help because she thought he didn’t care, she had stopped arguing because she wasn’t getting through. He knew she was unhappy, but now she had stopped shouting and she has been quiet for a while she must be feeling better…
This is a dangerous place for couples because if all is quiet, he thinks all is well… Of course it isn’t.
From time-to-time everyone expects to argue. After all we are all different, we see the world differently and we can misunderstand each other especially when tired, ill or lacking in resources. In most cases arguments are very normal part of all relationships…
Couples usually start to get concerned when the arguments tend to escalate and they start to feel that the relationship is more a about conflict than about fun, love and passion.
At this point they usually start to feel bad about themselves when they are with their partners and look for way to feel better.
Some will escape internally, some will escape to friends, hobbies, work some will try to please their partner to undo the argument.
Whatever route the person takes will be their usual method of dealing with fearful situations learnt years before.
The two problems that now come out of arguments are the perception of what they mean.
- Anger and frustration is a fear response. The person getting angry is fearful of what that situation means to them. Could be the loss of the relationship, rejection, worthlessness. Each of us has fears that will trigger our anger.
- The second misunderstanding is if someone is shouting at you they are reaching out to you, they are communicating to you because they are in pain they want your help to stop their pain.
- Arguments are also a sign of passion
I am always concerned of the couples that proudly tell me they don’t argue. I am concerned because the chances of their sex life being passionate and active are slim.
So in essence arguments are good for relationships, but they become destructive when they become prolonged as the couple reach out to each other, but get ignored.
What now happens is the couple stop arguing because there is no point. They know they won’t be heard.
This is the most dangerous place for any relationship, especially if the female is unhappy, but says nothing. This is because for the man quiet equals harmony and all is well.
If the man shuts down the woman know their is a problem, but when he shuts down the chances are he is convinced he can’t be successful and all his fears are triggered and attached to the relationship.
Some men become stuck in no mans land shut down not wanting to totally leave the relationship, but are too afraid to get it back.
So the goal is not to stop the arguments, because they are a sign of passion, but if you could redirect that passion back into the bedroom and into your lives together then you would both feel much better.
- So seek help if the arguments are escalating and you don’t know what to do.
- Seek help if you used to argue, you don’t now and the passion has died.
- Seek help if you partner tells you the relationship is over because of the arguments. The chances are it’s a misunderstanding of meaning connected to caring and love.
