I’m not sure I quoted her correctly but my wife Cloé quoted these words to me a few weeks ago, and it instantly resonated with me in the context of what makes a successful marriage.
Most people know that marriages have the potential to lose their passion and connection over time, but they don’t know why or how to reignite what they first had when it drifts away.
The key to this problem is in learning new skills and gaining the tools that enable them to navigate the ups and downs, so they always settle back into a loving fun connection no matter what hits them.
Couples that can do this are sadly in the minority.
Anyone can have a successful marriage if there don’t seem to be any problems, but this can be a potential ticking bomb because all couples will have problems at some point.
The problem for most couples is they are not equipped to learn and become closer when things go badly wrong. In fact, how most couples deal with their problems only results in those problems getting worse.
All unresolved conflicts prove is we don’t understand each other at all so either we are going to learn how or we are going to disconnect.
You see relationships are magnifiers of our experience. When the couple first meets the couple will magnify fun passion and love.
Fast forward a few years, and they can magnify pain and suffer through misunderstanding and disconnection.
BUT what about the couples who get on with life and are unaware that their relationship is dying because their focus and priorities are their jobs and kids.
So many couples fall into this trap.
Some feel this disconnection early and do seek help, some only find out one person has lost their love when they retire, or the kids have left home, some find they are in crisis when their partner gets a connection with someone new.
Couples will come to see me in crisis and one person will be telling me their relationship was great so why has their connection broken why has my partner changed into someone I don’t recognise and now struggle to trust?
Through all my years of learning what it takes to build a successful marriage, I’m usually shocked they have got this far as so many people do settle for a substandard life hoping things will get better.
You see men and women are not designed to live together in a box, and so the skills they will need are not provided by nature. You only have to look at the volume of divorces to see there is a fundamental problem in keeping their connection alive.
- What are the dynamics of attraction and the skills needed to relationship keep passion and fun alive?
- How do we have to think differently when our partner speaks to us so we can understand what they are saying?
- How do we plan and build the life and relationship we want?
- How do we learn from our conflicts, so we grow closer?
- How do we discover how to become so naturally magnetic that our partners would never consider leaving?
These are just a few of the questions couples are not asking fast enough if at all.
There are two parts to relationship building out of a crisis.
- Step One: Help the couple to breakthrough their presenting problem.
- Step two: Give them the tools, so they never break their connection again.
Couples in crisis require simple steps to navigate themselves out of pain and back into pleasure. To achieve this, all couples will need a unique strategy designed for their specific situation.
Unless couples have the tools to know how to be valuable to each other how can they start to communicate and create a win-win situation?