“What do you actually hear when I speak?” A message from a frustrated husband.
Communication is complex because each person will use very different filters when they try to put meanings to their partners’ words.
Imagine if in a fraction of a second the person will filter your words through this filter system.
- Their own history and experiences
- Their beliefs about you and what life has given them
- Their critical needs
- Their values and the rules attached to those values
- The fears they are trying to avoid
- They will delete what they don’t feel they need
- This will distort the output and they will then need to generalise the meaning for speed.
Think about this for a second, what is the chances of your partner creating a meaning that is the same as yours when they use their unique filters on your words.
These filters are the tip of the iceberg as you’ll find out below because there is a mountain of powerful emotion attached to either getting this right or as many do, getting this horribly wrong and without knowing.
This process of trying to get through to each other can be extremely frustrating on both sides as what should be a simple exchange can end up in upset and disconnect out of nowhere.
Every couple will have some kind of communication problem due to so many complexities.
Some go round in circles, some give up talking, some follow their partners around taking at them in the vain hope their words will eventually sink in.
Some turn to rage as they feel so insignificant, some cry out in despair, why me?
Some are convinced their partner has understood them only to be gobsmacked when they prove they haven’t at all.
IMPORTANT: In intimate relationships, I have never met a man and a woman who naturally understand each other, the result of this disconnect is not just a lack of connection they will also suffer from a loss of trust.
Men complain their wife is overly emotional, women complain their husband has little emotion or has a lack of empathy.
So many men come to see me with the same complaint, and volumes of women are doing the exact same thing.
This communication problem is no accident, we are not designed to understand each other, so the skill has to be learnt.
Communication is about far more than listening and speaking.
In relationships, communication is all about creating energies that create a natural connection that if done correctly feeds attraction and this creates security as a by-product.
Security as a by-product is the goal. Most couples have security or lack of it as their primary focus as they feel uncertain and insignificant in their relationship.
This means their fears are running the show and that’s a problem as their fears will form a big part of those filters you saw above.
Each person will be trying to achieve a very different energy naturally, but they won’t be connected to what their partner is trying to achieve and why.
This is a fundamental problem and at the root of their suffering.
So if you think your partner is communicating for the same reason as you, you’ll be mistaken.
This is why a woman can try to get through to her husband get frustrated go speak to a girlfriend and she automatically gets it.
In that situation, they are both connected to what’s important because they operate in the exactly same way.
To complicate this…
To every rule there will be an exception: To be clear not all women are the same and neither are all men so each couple must be helped with their unique mode of communication needs.
- Communication is not about talking and listening it’s about comprehension.
- Communication is as much about body language and energy as it is about words.
- Communication is about understanding core intent.
- Communication is also about connection to values, critical needs.
- Communication can support or kill attraction
- Communication can help someone feel safe or lead them to self-protection.
- Communication can help someone feel important or alone and irrelevant.
- Sometimes communication isn’t about understanding it’s just about caring.
Knowing all of this is valuable for couples because if the individual words make sense, but their connection doesn’t lead to:-
- Emotional security
- Emotional connection
- And an attraction dynamic…
Then the couple will be on very different pages emotionally and they will suffer.
- How a person communicates will tell their partner how they see them.
- How a person communicates will demonstrate if they are cared for.
- How a person communicates will tell them if their partner has their back
What couples are not understanding is communication is highly complex with powerful drivers that if not understood can create damaging disconnects.
Every day I speak to a couple who is going round in circles and it’s distressing for them as a lack of communication will crumble the very foundations needed to keep their reason to be together alive.
Communication skills are just one CRITICAL part of what it takes to become an effective partner and words in relationships mean everything, so it’s critical to now learn how to become a valuable connector to your partner.
I know there was a lot to take in here but…