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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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Communication problems

“What do you actually hear when I speak?” A message from a frustrated husband.

Communication is complex because each person will use very different filters when they try to put meanings to their partners’ words.

Imagine if in a fraction of a second the person will filter your words through this filter system.

  • Their own history and experiences
  • Their beliefs about you and what life has given them
  • Their critical needs
  • Their values and the rules attached to those values
  • The fears they are trying to avoid
  • They will delete what they don’t feel they need
  • This will distort the output and they will then need to generalise the meaning for speed.

Think about this for a second, what is the chances of your partner creating a meaning that is the same as yours when they use their unique filters on your words.

These filters are the tip of the iceberg as you’ll find out below because there is a mountain of powerful emotion attached to either getting this right or as many do, getting this horribly wrong and without knowing.

This process of trying to get through to each other can be extremely frustrating on both sides as what should be a simple exchange can end up in upset and disconnect out of nowhere.

Every couple will have some kind of communication problem due to so many complexities.

Some go round in circles, some give up talking, some follow their partners around taking at them in the vain hope their words will eventually sink in.

Some turn to rage as they feel so insignificant, some cry out in despair, why me?

Some are convinced their partner has understood them only to be gobsmacked when they prove they haven’t at all.

IMPORTANT: In intimate relationships, I have never met a man and a woman who naturally understand each other, the result of this disconnect is not just a lack of connection they will also suffer from a loss of trust.

Men complain their wife is overly emotional, women complain their husband has little emotion or has a lack of empathy.

So many men come to see me with the same complaint, and volumes of women are doing the exact same thing.

This communication problem is no accident, we are not designed to understand each other, so the skill has to be learnt.

Communication is about far more than listening and speaking.

In relationships, communication is all about creating energies that create a natural connection that if done correctly feeds attraction and this creates security as a by-product.

Security as a by-product is the goal. Most couples have security or lack of it as their primary focus as they feel uncertain and insignificant in their relationship.

This means their fears are running the show and that’s a problem as their fears will form a big part of those filters you saw above.

Each person will be trying to achieve a very different energy naturally, but they won’t be connected to what their partner is trying to achieve and why.

This is a fundamental problem and at the root of their suffering.

So if you think your partner is communicating for the same reason as you, you’ll be mistaken.

This is why a woman can try to get through to her husband get frustrated go speak to a girlfriend and she automatically gets it.

In that situation, they are both connected to what’s important because they operate in the exactly same way.

To complicate this…

To every rule there will be an exception: To be clear not all women are the same and neither are all men so each couple must be helped with their unique mode of communication needs.

  • Communication is not about talking and listening it’s about comprehension.
  • Communication is as much about body language and energy as it is about words.
  • Communication is about understanding core intent.
  • Communication is also about connection to values, critical needs.
  • Communication can support or kill attraction
  • Communication can help someone feel safe or lead them to self-protection.
  • Communication can help someone feel important or alone and irrelevant.
  • Sometimes communication isn’t about understanding it’s just about caring.

Knowing all of this is valuable for couples because if the individual words make sense, but their connection doesn’t lead to:-

  • Emotional security
  • Emotional connection
  • And an attraction dynamic…

Then the couple will be on very different pages emotionally and they will suffer.

  • How a person communicates will tell their partner how they see them.
  • How a person communicates will demonstrate if they are cared for.
  • How a person communicates will tell them if their partner has their back

What couples are not understanding is communication is highly complex with powerful drivers that if not understood can create damaging disconnects.

Every day I speak to a couple who is going round in circles and it’s distressing for them as a lack of communication will crumble the very foundations needed to keep their reason to be together alive.

Communication skills are just one CRITICAL part of what it takes to become an effective partner and words in relationships mean everything, so it’s critical to now learn how to become a valuable connector to your partner.

I know there was a lot to take in here but…

There are easy ways to make this complex process simple for those wanting to learn.

Category iconCommunication,  Marriage Coaching

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Do You Want
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Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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About Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger is known as the most sought after marriage in crisis specialist in the UK. He is famous for consistently and naturally saving many marriages from divorce. He is a favourite of business leaders, business owners, Judges and celebrities.

Stephen runs his meetings from his office in Harley Street London and supports his global clients over Zoom.

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

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November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

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What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Please Save Our Marriage! – Testimonial

March 1, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

Please Save Our Marriage! This was the first email I recieved from Darren and Sue, they were at breaking point. When they first entered my clinic you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. This was a couple with young children on the edge, breaking up seemed like the only option open to them… Sue […]

“He thought his life was over..!”

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Today’s post is a little different. I wanted to share with you a clients words about his experience of the pain of his divorce and the process of rebuilding him and his future. Over to him… The words hit me like a hammer ~ “There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken, you never were. […]

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What you are about to read is about is a gentleman in turmoil. He thought he had lost the girl he loved and his one-year-old son. She had left him and this connected him to his core fears, emotions that were powerful enough to sabotage him from getting the very thing he wanted. As his […]

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Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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Stephen Hedger is known as the most sought after marriage in crisis specialist in the UK. He is famous for saving marriages from divorce through his tailored Marriage Breakthrough Program.


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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • “I can’t love you and protect myself from you”!
  • 28 Behaviours that damage marriages
  • She nearly divorced him for the wrong reason
  • All Roads Lead to Rome – “It’s Always About Me”!
  • Unhealthy conflict couples suffer the most…

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Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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