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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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Compatibility? Is that our problem?

When a couple starts to struggle, and that struggle goes from pain into suffering with no obvious solution, one common thought is, have I made a mistake?

Are we incompatible? Is that why we are struggling?

Whenever I get asked those questions, my answer is always the same.

“You can leave your marriage and always wonder, or you can find out”.

Most people want to know the truth about their situation because they know the same problems could be replicated in future relationships.

Plus, they want to be able to look at themselves in the mirror and say they did all they could.

This trend of getting to the truth is especially common where a life-changing decision is being made and their children will be impacted by it.

So are suffering couples incompatible?

My first observation for most of the couples I see is they have together created a dynamic that makes them incompatible.

If anyone did what they did, they would probably be unhappy too.

So the question is, with the right knowledge and tools could they build foundations and connections that could reconnect them?

Remember, we are only after a Win-Win situation as that’s the only dynamic that equals compatibility.

What does the couple have to know?

Firstly they must know love alone is not enough to create compatibility because it is not enough to get them through the natural ups and down any relationship will experience.

There is much more they both must bring to the table.

Compatibility has four parts.

Part One:

Firstly, does each person have the ability to learn how to become an effective partner? The emphasis is on the ability to learn.

Effective relationship building isn’t knowledge we are born with so learning how to become a valuable partner is a critical skill.

Secondly, do they understand their relationship with themselves? This point is fundamental to their success because a poor relationship with themselves will only put stress on their relationship.

For example, a person who couldn’t trust their parents growing up could struggle to trust an intimate partner and that will stress their dynamic.

My experience with couples in crisis is each individual’s relationship with themselves when they are around their partner is poor, and their knowledge of how to become an effective partner is missing.

Part Two:

Does each person have the ability to be effective long term and do so whilst heading towards agreed goals?

Many people with the right knowledge can be great for a short period of time, but what will keep each person invested for life?

This part is absolutely critical.

The fear many people in crisis have is if we do fix it in the short term will we slip back into crisis.

This is why the couple must learn how to keep their connection alive.

Many people I meet have sought help, and for a while, it gets better, but when you ask them why it got better, neither knows why.

This is a very risky position to be in.

Couples must be able to replicate what they learn in a way that supports themselves, their partner and their relationship.

If it going wrong why is it and how do I/we put it right?

Part Three:

Most people are unaware of what drives them emotionally, and to compound the problem, they are also unaware of how their partner is driven differently from them.

A relationship can collapse if this foundation is not understood.

It can collapse because they will be unaware of the impact of their differences on their decisions, goals, communication, connection.

Two people driven differently can emotionally jar each other until they know how to get the best out of each other.

This is why profiling all my clients helps me to arm them to understand what they are dealing with.

The people who are not understanding this will be getting their needs met through things outside of their marriage.

Part Four:

Once those three areas above are understood, the next question is, can they bring all this together and be a team?

Being a team member is a skill in itself.

They must understand the purpose of their connection so they are both 100% invested and 100% responsible for the state of the relationship at any given time.

Poor team members think they are in a 50/50 deal, but this leaves them out of control of 50% so when it goes wrong they look at their partner for not pulling their weight.

They are now instantly out of control of their own relationship.

In summary

As you can see, no matter how much you love someone, if their needs are not met, they don’t feel they can be themselves, and the future doesn’t have a purpose, most people will struggle.

So to make a bulletproof marriage, the mission must be to understand the moving parts and the impact of getting it wrong.

If you want to rebuild your marriage then these 4 Parts are critical to know.

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Recent Posts

  • “Should I Stay or Go?” Why You Shouldn’t Make Big Decisions While You’re Still Suffering
  • Stop & Never: The 30 Patterns That Quietly Destroy Relationships
  • “How to Fix Communication Issues in a Marriage”
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  • Impossible Marriage Problems?
  • “What if I’m not enough?”
  • “Another 5 Years Like This? No Way!”
  • In Crisis, their Minds Destroyed Their Lives
  • “Couples are failing at the basics…”
  • “You Might Be in the Wrong Relationship… But Not for the Reason You Think…”
  • Case Studies: “How Changing Your Perspective Can Fix Your Relationship—Here’s Proof”

Over 1300 Relationship Articles


Categories

  • A thought for Sunday (29)
  • Case Studies (2)
  • Communication (70)
  • Destructive Patterns (137)
  • Discussion (2)
  • Infidelity-Affairs (38)
  • Loss of Love (43)
  • Loss of passion (35)
  • Lost Attraction (22)
  • Marriage Coaching (423)
  • Marriage Mastery Assessment (1)
  • Masculine & Feminine (9)
  • Monday Breakthrough (2)
  • Personal Development (104)
  • Rebuilding trust (39)
  • Relationship Stories (24)
  • Retirement Crisis (6)
  • Save Marriage Alone (42)
  • Separation & Divorce (9)
  • Stop & Never – Mini Posts (54)
  • Stuck (9)
  • Testimonials (59)
  • Top 10 Popular Posts (12)
  • Uncategorized (761)

Primary Sidebar

I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

From Battlefield to Breakthrough: How to Save Your Marriage Without a Toxic Fight.

January 31, 2025 By Stephen Hedger

Most people who come to me for help believe their marriage is broken, so their level of hope is not high. Many will have tried to fix the problems without success. These people are unaware that there is a critical mindset shift: if you don’t make it, your chances of success dramatically drop. As you […]

“By changing yourself, you can change a relationship… because I did!”

September 16, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

We were in the process of physical separation, with my husband arranging to move out at the end of the month, and I was getting legal advice on proceeding with the divorce.  On one of those distressed and sleepless nights, I came across Stephen’s website and his blog. I was fascinated. What Stephen has written […]

“There’s no hope in hell – I want a divorce!”

April 22, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

So what do you do when the trust is broken so badly that their relationship ends with them selling their family home and moving into separate homes? Most people would consider this the end, but this gentleman decided something different. He wrote to me to see if I could help. I wanted to encourage his […]

Marriage Crisis from Infidelity & Communication Breakdown

August 21, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

Today’s post is about a professional couple in the UK who decided they wanted to share their experience of their tailormade program that was designed to help them out of their marital challenges. They were in crisis due to communication breakdown and infidelity. They had 12 meetings over five months to learn how to reconnect […]

His Marriage was Over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness; his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally.


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.


Click to Download FREE

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems.

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Recent Posts

  • “Should I Stay or Go?” Why You Shouldn’t Make Big Decisions While You’re Still Suffering
  • Stop & Never: The 30 Patterns That Quietly Destroy Relationships
  • “How to Fix Communication Issues in a Marriage”
  • “First Step to Fixing Any Marriage Problem”
  • Impossible Marriage Problems?
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*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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