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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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Compatibility? Is that our problem?

When a couple starts to struggle, and that struggle goes from pain into suffering with no obvious solution, one common thought is, have I made a mistake?

Are we incompatible? Is that why we are struggling?

Whenever I get asked those questions, my answer is always the same.

“You can leave your marriage and always wonder, or you can find out”.

Most people want to know the truth about their situation because they know the same problems could be replicated in future relationships.

Plus, they want to be able to look at themselves in the mirror and say they did all they could.

This trend of getting to the truth is especially common where a life-changing decision is being made and their children will be impacted by it.

So are suffering couples incompatible?

My first observation for most of the couples I see is they have together created a dynamic that makes them incompatible.

If anyone did what they did, they would probably be unhappy too.

So the question is, with the right knowledge and tools could they build foundations and connections that could reconnect them?

Remember, we are only after a Win-Win situation as that’s the only dynamic that equals compatibility.

What does the couple have to know?

Firstly they must know love alone is not enough to create compatibility because it is not enough to get them through the natural ups and down any relationship will experience.

There is much more they both must bring to the table.

Compatibility has four parts.

Part One:

Firstly, does each person have the ability to learn how to become an effective partner? The emphasis is on the ability to learn.

Effective relationship building isn’t knowledge we are born with so learning how to become a valuable partner is a critical skill.

Secondly, do they understand their relationship with themselves? This point is fundamental to their success because a poor relationship with themselves will only put stress on their relationship.

For example, a person who couldn’t trust their parents growing up could struggle to trust an intimate partner and that will stress their dynamic.

My experience with couples in crisis is each individual’s relationship with themselves when they are around their partner is poor, and their knowledge of how to become an effective partner is missing.

Part Two:

Does each person have the ability to be effective long term and do so whilst heading towards agreed goals?

Many people with the right knowledge can be great for a short period of time, but what will keep each person invested for life?

This part is absolutely critical.

The fear many people in crisis have is if we do fix it in the short term will we slip back into crisis.

This is why the couple must learn how to keep their connection alive.

Many people I meet have sought help, and for a while, it gets better, but when you ask them why it got better, neither knows why.

This is a very risky position to be in.

Couples must be able to replicate what they learn in a way that supports themselves, their partner and their relationship.

If it going wrong why is it and how do I/we put it right?

Part Three:

Most people are unaware of what drives them emotionally, and to compound the problem, they are also unaware of how their partner is driven differently from them.

A relationship can collapse if this foundation is not understood.

It can collapse because they will be unaware of the impact of their differences on their decisions, goals, communication, connection.

Two people driven differently can emotionally jar each other until they know how to get the best out of each other.

This is why profiling all my clients helps me to arm them to understand what they are dealing with.

The people who are not understanding this will be getting their needs met through things outside of their marriage.

Part Four:

Once those three areas above are understood, the next question is, can they bring all this together and be a team?

Being a team member is a skill in itself.

They must understand the purpose of their connection so they are both 100% invested and 100% responsible for the state of the relationship at any given time.

Poor team members think they are in a 50/50 deal, but this leaves them out of control of 50% so when it goes wrong they look at their partner for not pulling their weight.

They are now instantly out of control of their own relationship.

In summary

As you can see, no matter how much you love someone, if their needs are not met, they don’t feel they can be themselves, and the future doesn’t have a purpose, most people will struggle.

So to make a bulletproof marriage, the mission must be to understand the moving parts and the impact of getting it wrong.

If you want to rebuild your marriage then these 4 Parts are critical to know.

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Recent Posts

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

About Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger is known as the most sought after marriage in crisis specialist in the UK. He is famous for consistently and naturally saving many marriages from divorce. He is a favourite of business leaders, business owners, Judges and celebrities.

Stephen runs his meetings from his office in Harley Street London and supports his global clients over Zoom.

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is known as the most sought after marriage in crisis specialist in the UK. He is famous for saving marriages from divorce through his tailored Marriage Breakthrough Program.


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • They Lost Control of their Marriage and Themselves
  • “28 Ways to Destroy Your Marriage”!
  • The Problem with Expectations
  • He said She said…
  • “Learn How to Repair your Marriage”

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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