So the couple gets to the point where they can’t bear their disconnect anymore and one person feels divorce is their next step.
Today’s post illustrates a common process many couples go through that can lead to more frustration and for many a disconnection that could have been avoided.
They have had years of upsets, the circular conflicts have taken their toll and now they are on the edge of divorce.
Looking at the pain and suffering a divorce will bring them and their family, they both wake up to that reality.
Shocked into emergency action they realise it’s not what they want.
So they make an important first step, a step I would encourage any couple to make.
They make their relationship their primary focus.
They have triggered each others fear systems and are now both consciously wanting to save their marriage.
For the moment, all past resentments have become far less important than a divorce.
They both open up and talk, they talk more openly now than they ever had before.
They have a glimmer of hope because they have reconnected, they are on the same page wanting the same outcome.
They feel happier that progress has been made and as the weeks pass, life goes back to normal.
But so do the old destructive patterns and within months the problems are back and they are now both shaking their heads in despair.
They are back to where they started just slightly more worn with it all.
You see the first important step they did correctly they became consciously aware and turned their focus to their marriage.
This conscious focus has the ability to stop the patterned behaviour which happens without thought.
Patterned behaviour is for many where their problems lie.
The next step was to understand their disconnection dynamic so they could build a new one that this time would work for both people.
They didn’t do that critical step, it’s not their fault of course, how on earth do they do that without knowledge and tools?
If they don’t understand the root problem how could they ever correct it?
They didn’t fix the right problem or know where to look
All they did was interrupt the pain and suffering by becoming a team fighting against the prospect of divorce together.
It felt good to be a team again, but by not taking the next step the problems are not fixed just on pause.
You have got to keep being a team, you have to be aligned on all areas of life that are important including appreciating how each other’s emotional system works.
Fix and fail is exhausting
Many couples do this, they cycle through feeling awful, looking divorce in the face have the big chat they feel better and yet still end up in disconnect months later.
You cannot put a sticky plaster on a broken leg and expect it to end well.
Many relationships end up in divorce, not because they are wrong for each other they are just exhausted with this type of soul destroying process.
Getting people out of their crisis takes real understanding and experience.
Getting people out of crisis requires a very specific strategy
It’s a process that requires a very specific strategy that going to be different for every couple.
So if you are fed up with your cycle of disconnect.
If you want to get to the bottom of what you are really capable of together learning what’s happened and how to correct it is critical.
The core reason everyone is struggling is because most end up trying to fix their symptoms and not the root cause(s).
The behavioural patterns have to change in each person and they can’t change until they become a conscious focus of what needs to change and why.
Many couples problems are rooted in both peoples misunderstanding each others differences.
Misunderstood differences, create confusions that lead many to self-protection.
Practiced self-protection is what leads couples to disconnect.
Every couples answers lie in their new understandings of themselves and each other.
If you can contribute in a way that creates positive influence then as a couple you can connect and grow.
Most people are patterned to triggered their partner to feel bad about themselves.
When you help someone feel bad, they will attach that feeling to you and this is how disconnect happens and resentments stack.
So triggering our partners towards feelings they would agree are good for them is going to put new foundations that enable growth.
This is where a fulfilling life together sits.
All you now need to know is how…