One of the biggest problems that couples face is in their inability to communicate in a way that creates a foundational emotional connection.
So the result is they end up with a lack of emotional security.
Most people think that effective communication is simply about talking and listening, but in intimate relationships that simple assumption is at the root of so much confusion and upset.
In fact many relationship have ended because they got this wrong, so it’s critical to understand.
The key for couples communication is in the comprehension of what is really being said and then what is really needed.
You see a person can think they understand the words but have they understood the meaning and the intent?
I have seen so many couples enter into conflict in a session and make their partner responsible for their interpretation of what has just been said, and then I watch them go round circles.
To get couples into an effective communication pattern first the individuals have to understand the reason they are both communicating and what their partner is really trying to achieve.
This understanding is not naturally in any couple I have met.
The individuals will be unaware their partners objective when speaking is totally different from their own.
For example: It’s well known that on the whole men like to be fixers (there are of course exceptions to every rule) they want to know what the point of the conversation is about so they can become an effective fixer.
Masculine energy (can be women) becomes frustrated when it cannot understand the point of why they are talking.
So when their wives try to connect to their husbands and their husbands try to fix what they are saying it instantly breaks their connection and now more upset or emotional shutdown will be their next step.
A connection is really important for (most) women to achieve the goal of trust, and men, on the whole, are designed to prioritise fixing and moving on from any problem.
When men try to fix and dismiss problems women can feel the men don’t care or are not interesting in their emotions, for women this is debilitating.
This model of needing to fix against needing to connect compounds their problems as the couple keep practising a corrosive communication model leading to constant misalignment.
How can you be in a relationship with someone where misunderstanding is the model of communication.
This is yet another reason why so many couples struggle.
Communication is a massive topic and this is the tip of the iceberg of what’s needed to effectively connect and be on the same page.