I see this message of “Family Values” usually floating around in the press or magazines, even couples mention it in sessions.
I always wonder if anyone really knows what “Family Values” actually mean?
I know this topic today may be hard to understand it is a more advanced topic. I hope that a few of you will start to see another critical aspect of why so many are struggling.
I speak to many very bright individuals and they too have not even considered their own personal values let alone looked at their families’ values.
“Family Values” sound great, but what are they and how are they useful?
I want to share that “VALUES” are critical to a person’s success in their own life, I cant stress this enough.
They are critical because they accelerate knowing how success works both personally and professionally.
They are an essential factor of a person’s happiness and a sound predictor to discover if a life decision will lead to personal connection or disconnection.
When we talk about success I’m talking about the balance of creating a life that is leading us towards personal fulfillment in all the areas that are important to us.
- Some people are great at relationships, but are unhappy with their finances.
- Some love their jobs, but have no clue how to be a valuable husband or wife.
- Some are unhappy with their weight or their health, but have no money worries.
Our critical values sit at the root of how we think and what we bring to the table every day whether we know it or not.
So they are influencing how we act and think every day, but most people have no tangible connection to them and this is a problem that leads people to become out of control.
Everyone has 24 hours in a day and so what do all the people that are successful do differently from the ones that are not?
Especially the ones that are successful in all areas of life.
The biggest pain I see in my sessions is successful people are not happy because they put their lives into achieving something that didn’t bring them fulfillment.
They didn’t understand how their values could play a part in predicting the emotional outcome of their quests and actions.
So let’s look at two conversations I had with two very successful people about their own values and the impact on their lives without them knowing.
I remember speaking with this CEO and I asked him to share with me his values.
One of his values was “RESPECT”.
On first sight of this word, there is nothing wrong with it until you hear his interpretation of how the value must be met.
BTW he was shocked at his own unedited answer.
He said “RESPECT happens when you believe everything I say”.
As you can see this is a great value with a disempowering rule…
“He has to be always right”!
This rule can negatively affect his relationship with others and his relationship with himself.
What’s interesting is he didn’t know that was his rule and he had never considered the importance of values before.
He could see that he had no time for those who didn’t agree with him in business, this mindset had taken him to the top of his game so he was right a lot in business.
In his marriage as you can imagine not so good – wife was very unhappy with him!
They both valued respect but neither felt it with each other and that’s a problem.
So when people talk about what people value how do we know the clarifier is healthy and one we would agree with it?
A rugby player came to me for help with his marriage.
I asked him to share his values with me, he wasn’t aware of them so we searched and came up will many important values.
One was critical to understand as he was about to discover.
He said “PASSION” was important to him.
Passion is a great value and at the root of so many peoples success.
So I asked him what had to happen for him to experience “passion” and he said without thought…
“I have to be swept off my feet”.
It was an odd clarifier as the message is usually one many women tell me they want, plus he was a big guy so it’s an interesting visual.
These words came out of his mouth unedited and I could see he was uncomfortable with them the moment he said them.
This was at the root of his problem in his marriage he had learnt feminine patterns after being brought up by his mum on her own.
It’s very difficult for a woman to teach a boy how to be a man.
Plus he learned sub-consciously by watching and listening to her navigate her own life.
He always felt wrong, but didn’t know why so a very masculine at core man was bringing at times a very feminine pattern to his wife and it was breaking their connection.
So what’s interesting is we all have these complex values and rules for those values to be met, but very few are consciously connected to them so feeling good is a hit-and-miss affair.
So people’s lives end up feeling wrong and they don’t know why. Some blame themselves some blame their marriages, other blame parents or society etc.
When someone’s relationship with themselves is not working they will feel unhappy and helping someone reconnect to their values is critical.
When values are not met it means a person will bring a distorted energy to how they meet their critical needs.
For example:
So someone with a values disconnection wanting more “certainty” in their marriage can withdraw as a means of self-protection whereas a person who has values alignment will seek their “certainty” in becoming more valuable through learning and growing.
My clients are curious and are looking to grow their knowledge so they can be successful in themselves and with each other.
This is the difference between success and failure, successful people want to learn more.
Knowing what’s happening within yourself is the biggest foundation to becoming a successful partner, but it’s also critical for a person’s life balance and personal fulfillment.
Understanding values is far more complex than I have illustrated here today as many of my clients discover.
I do hope this deeper look into human behavior has been interesting and if it’s struck a chord and you to would like to go deeper in understanding the drivers behind why we do what we do.
Please get in touch.