When a couple asks for help, there’s a very good reason why I always work with them as individuals before I ever work with them as a couple:
So when couples request my help, once I’ve established a clear understanding of their unhappy dynamic, I quickly move them into an empowerment process for each individual.
This part of the strategy is essential to understand because if one person’s relationship with themselves isn’t working, their relationship with their partner will always be challenged.
I’ll explain…
The process of supporting individuals must help each person live in the truth of their situation, not in their bias, distortion(s) or outdated emotional patterns.
From the position of truth, no matter how bad things are, any person or couple can grow towards a better, healthier future.
Many people live in distortions and unhelpful emotional patterns that are so connected to past events and have nothing to do with their relationships today.
Based on these emotional patterns, they build stories to protect themselves—stories that explain away pain or help justify poor behaviour.
But just because a story feels emotionally safe to believe and live in it doesn’t make it accurate or helpful.
And when you try to fix your relationship while living in these distortions, you’ll only create more problems and go around in circles.
Some people are aware but don’t know how to manage their patterns, some are blind or overly fearful, and others are detached or emotionally numb. Getting to the truth from a survival state alone can feel too complex or hard to comprehend.
This can be why so many insist their partner needs to change to align with the needs of their distortion, as from their perspective, that is easier. Unfortunately, this will not fix the problem, so the pain and suffering will only escalate.
What do you do when your truth isn’t true?
One man I worked with was doing precisely this. He was convinced he understood the problem in his marriage, but he was working with half the data and was unaware. The data he had collected created an unhelpful distortion and emotional bias so his solutions stressed their connection.
The more effort he put in to save his marriage, the worse things became.
That’s not a foundation for connection and change. This process is really a trap.
The key is to ensure that when you are focused on marital problems, you remove yourself from being part of the problem. This means not seeing things better or worse than they are; it means just seeing them as they are.
Growth only happens in truth. You cannot grow from a lie.
Where do these distortions come from?
It’s not about intelligence or effort—it’s about emotional foundations.
Most people were never taught how to build an identity that reflects the best of who they are. They never developed the emotional stability that allows them to stay grounded when life or love gets difficult.
So, instead, they tie the responsibility of their behaviours and identity to how their partner behaves.
- If their partner pulls away, they feel rejected.
- If their partner gets upset, they feel under attack.
- If their partner doesn’t behave “how they should”, they lose themselves.
They live reactive lives instead of decision-based lives.
So I often ask:
When was the last time you felt like you were truly you?
This question for many who are suffering can create an emotional response as they realise the answer was years ago.
Others can’t relate to the question. They’ve spent so long reacting to life that they’ve forgotten who they really are so they are lost or just going through the motions.
One common example of distortions people experience is in their expectations for life and their partners. A lot of a couple’s bickering comes from this emotional pattern.
The Expectation Trap
Many people live in an Expectation Model:
The definition of this model is a psychological and relational framework that explains how unmet or unspoken expectations create emotional friction, disappointment, and disconnection in relationships.
In short “If people behave how I expect, I’m okay. If they don’t, I’m not.”
It explores how individuals form expectations based on past experiences, values, and personal needs, and how these expectations when unacknowledged, rigid, or unshared can lead to judgment, blame, and emotional withdrawal.
We usually find the people with high expecations tend to have low resiliance, in contrast the people with high resiliance tend to have fewer expectations and are less triggered.
And when you’re living in that place of needing others to perform in the way you need, you’re not free.
You’re not empowered.
You’re just reacting—often in ways that don’t reflect the person you want to be.
The power of emotional ownership
If you want to be strong in your relationship, you’ve got to be strong in yourself first. There is no way around it.
- Self-awareness means knowing your emotional responses—and taking control of them.
- It means your behaviour reflects your values, not your fears.
- It means that no matter what anyone else does, you stay grounded in yourself and your character and identity.
Because when a person is no longer ruled by their triggers, they are no longer led by their fears.
They can now respond with intention. They can calm a storm. They can lead a situation to safety rather than escalate it.
That’s what true emotional power looks like.
The truth about being triggered
Here’s something no one likes to admit:
A triggered person is someone who has temporarily lost access to their best self, allowing old or outdated emotional patterns to take over instead of consciously choosing how to respond.
“Being triggered means your emotions are running the show—not your true character.”
They’re waiting for the world to behave a certain way so they can feel okay.
They’re outsourcing their emotional state to others – I’m giving my power away to others to control how I feel.
But the truth is, as long as you’re doing that—you are not in charge of you and your life.
And your relationship becomes virtually impossible to sustain.
Taking your power back
The turning point is this:
When a person learns to own their emotions, they begin to choose the ones that are most useful for the moment they are in. You start making decisions from a position of strength, not survival.
You can respond in a way that reflects who you are—not who you become when you’re hurt, defensive or afraid.
And that’s the moment everything changes.
- Your marriage improves not because your partner changes but because you do.
- You show up differently.
- You become someone who adds value, creates safety, and leads with strength.
From there, the connection becomes easy.
Even conflict becomes productive.
That’s the power of coming home to yourself.
Ready to rebuild the emotional foundation that makes a strong relationship possible?
If this resonates, it’s time to start with you.
No one can fix a relationship if their version of themselves isn’t reflective of who they really are.
Reclaiming our power-based identity is a critical part of being part of the solution.
So, if you are suffering from this problem, you’re not broken.
But you might be disconnected from the version of you that can fix this so it work for you long term.
If a couple invest in a program the mission is to understand this individually.
If an individual invests in a program they learn how to take their power back and positively influence the marriage.
This means they can discover how to attract their partner back, they can rebuild a marriage all on their own.
Some people have asked to use the process to rebuild their life after a divorce, or to find out if the relationship they have is the right one for them.
Some single people have asked me to empower them to start dating and find and keep the right person for them.
The process is designed to help gain clarity step-by-step so the person claims the life that supports their ability to be version of themselves that they would be happy to live in and proud to become.
Let’s get you reconnected with an empowered you.
Remember the fastest way out of a relationship problem no matter what it is, is to connect to a more empowered you.
A you, you can be proud of.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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