Many couples arrive at my sessions very keen to share the story of their pain and suffering.
They want me to know what their partner did wrong.
They want me to see their version of events so I can back them up.
People that come to me with these stories are so wrapped up with what happened that they are missing the very thing that will help them gain a truth, a truth that will affect the rest of their lives.
So when a wife tells me of his affair if I’m to help them I will not sit in judgement of either person and take sides.
Friends may take sides, but as someone who wants to give the truth of their situation a chance, taking sides is not a productive action.
When a husband tells me his wife is constantly aggressive and negative I don’t take his side because happily connected wives don’t respond this way.
You see the missing element to everyone’s story is the answer to the question “why?”.
Why do people act in these ways?
Until that question is uncovered even if the couple does patch things up that reconnection is at risk of being temporary.
The why question leads us to the core reason behind a person’s actions.
This is where the problem starts.
Either people are not asking the “why” question or they don’t know how to translate what’s going on so they never get to the why.
I see so many people end up making the wrong conclusions within their own minds, and this leads them to not liking their interpretation.
This type of thinking initially causes themselves pain and unless the person is helped out of their destructive thinking they will suffer so much they will either stop taking part or have to leave their marriage.
So people are literally thinking themselves out of marriages that could have worked if they only started to ask the right questions.
So both people can live and stay married to their individual stories (their perceptions) or they can search for the truth.
You see growing up we are not taught that just because we have a thought or a belief it doesn’t make it a fact.
Beliefs are simply a perspective.
The problem with beliefs is they bring judgements.
My clients are encouraged to drop their judgments and replace them with curiosity.
It’s far safer to assume you don’t know than to convince yourself what you do know is a fact.
People who are always right have nothing to learn so with this dead-end thinking, they can’t evolve or grow.
The smart people know with relationship problems the only people who’ll come out well are the ones that are open to learning.
I see significant numbers of CEOs and their partners, these are very smart people.
These people are open to learning, they know that learning is how growth happens.
You see rebuilding relationships is as much about personal development and personal empowerment as it is about reconnection.
So the answer to your relationship problems sits in the question, why?
Why is my husband or wife behaving this way?
The next observation is you must look at that question through their eyes not your own because looking through your own will only bring the wrong or distorted answers.
This is why people suffer and get it wrong and keep getting it wrong until one day when they wake up to what they don’t know.
Wisdom teaches us how much we don’t know so we become curious enough to evolve.
So let’s start here.
No matter how smart or how intuitive a person is they will never naturally understand their partner.
Learning your partner is like learning a new language.
You already know no matter how hard you think you’ll never speak a new language without education.
So the moment a person understands this is their first step to a new world, your partner’s world the one that is very different to yours, but normal to them.
This is the start of your path to success.
