In today’s post, I’m not going to hold back because getting this part wrong means a life of unhappiness so if you have had enough this post might be for you.
Unless a couple becomes an effective team, without exception, the relationship will suffer, and many marriages will end.
People who don’t become a team will feel disconnected, isolated, alone and unloved.
Couples that agree to live a life together but don’t learn how to become a team will end up having to live their lives separately.
This looks like a transactional existence where two people live like caretakers to a home, sadly they are showing their children this is how relationships work.
This is a devastating normal for the children to learn.
Not being a team means they live in a relationship that never reaches its true potential.
Unable to be a team means the family is being guided by a poor management team with poor connection skills and usually no shared vision.
It’s like two people agreeing to have an amazing voyage through life together. They jump on a ship and sit in a harbour for years on end, blaming each other for the relationship going nowhere.
When I hear people talking about being a team, they never see the correct starting point.
You see, you can’t be a good team member if that person isn’t a good person.
To be clear a good person is a person who lives with integrity.
A person who has values and a moral code they live by.
A person who has values is someone who is committed to those values.
You see, there is little point in having values if they cannot commit to those values themselves.
What I see is people expect their partners to be good people whilst they blame, judge, and punish their partners, none of which is loving or kind.
These behaviours don’t represent a good team member and aren’t reflective of a person with integrity.
Good team members learn how to get the best from themselves and their partners.
A good team member becomes accountable for the state of the relationship.
A good team member becomes a responsible adult.
Responsibility really equals the ability to respond which is the thinking that puts us in the driving seat.
Good people in successful relationships simply do not make the relationship about themselves it’s the fastest way to kill their connection.
To be clear, I don’t actually see most people as either good or bad; what I really see is happy or unhappy people.
People sit in session complaining about how awful their partner is, totally blind to the fact they are also a mirror of the problem.
Kick a partner and watch them retreat from you; this is a sign what you are doing isn’t helpful or working.
Growing up, we are given emotional patterns that disable our ability to be successful for example, when our partners criticise us, many defend or counterattack.
How is that a loving or kind response?
You see, many unhappy people are so fearful that they criticise us as it’s a safe way to get our attention.
When they criticise, it’s a message that they want something from us, but due to their fear, they won’t ask because we might say no.
That rejection is too much to bear.
So we can sit and judge our partners, or we can act with integrity and learn them through empathy and compassion.
You see, the moment you step into a relationship, you agree to be a team member that helps the team.
You must never kick a team member because you’re kicking the very team you are a part of.
A good team member will act with integrity. This means that they don’t turn values like love and kindness off no matter what their partner is doing.
Good team members don’t look for how their partner can be better; they ask for how they can be better.
Good team members want to sit in the driving seat, leading their family to safety.
Good team members know that if they are not committed to themselves and what they value, they will never be strong enough to be of value to their partner.
Learning how to become a values-rich partner who lives with integrity is the key to a person’s happiness.
You want an astonishing relationship then you must commit to yourself to become an effective leader.
So, if you wish to learn how to become an effective relationship leader or leaders (I accept couples and individuals), then your journey starts here.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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