What do you do when, with the best of intentions, everything you say or do seems to make things worse?
You’re not alone if you feel like your relationship has become one long misunderstanding. Many couples I work with say, “We just don’t seem to get along anymore. The conflict’s getting worse, and it’s spoiling any good times”
There’s usually a bigger fear behind those thoughts: What if this damages our family? What if the resentments we’re stacking can’t be undone?
So, what’s actually going on for these couples?
Why do people who love each other end up hurting each other repeatedly?
Why do kind, intelligent people struggle to live together peacefully?
Below is a trend of what I’ve seen time and time again in sessions: Some of the loveliest people are doing some of the most painful things to their partner… completely unaware of the impact it’s having.
Let me show you what I mean.
What Men Do That Hurts Women (Without Meaning To)
1. He Goes Quiet When He’s Stressed
- What he intends: “I don’t want to burden her. I’ll sort it out myself.”
- What she’s feeling: “He’s shutting me out. I feel invisible, like I don’t matter.”
2. He Tries to Fix Everything
- What he intends: “Loving her equals being able to solve her problems.”
- What she’s feeling: “He’s not hearing me. I feel dismissed, not understood.”
3. He Minimises Conflict to Keep the Peace
- What he intends: “This isn’t worth a row. Let’s just move on.”
- What she’s feeling: “He’s avoiding me. My emotions aren’t safe with him.”
What Women Do That Hurts Men (Without Meaning To)
1. She Criticises When She’s Feeling Unloved
- What she intends: “If I say something, maybe he’ll step up.”
- What he’s feeling: “I can’t ever do anything right. I feel like a failure.”
2. She Brings Up the Past During Arguments
- What she intends: “I need to understand the pattern so we can fix it.”
- What he’s feeling: “We’re stuck in the past. Nothing I do is ever good enough, I can’t win.”
3. She Emotionally Withdraws to Test His Commitment
- What she intends: “Does he still care? Will he fight for me?”
- What he’s feeling: “She’s punishing me. I’m walking on eggshells.”
The result of these types of misunderstandings is ongoing disconnection. If they practice these behaviours long term, the resentments will stack over time, leading both people to meet their individual needs outside of the marriage.
When the marriage stops meeting their needs, it loses the reason for being together.
The point of today’s post is to illustrate that many couples’ disconnections are caused by two people not understanding the importance of seeing their differences.
The differences are needed for attraction to stay alive, but the attraction will die if the differences lead to one or two people going into self-protection because they think their partner should either naturally understand them or be the same as them.
Here’s the Truth: Your partner is nothing like you and isn’t designed to understand you.
Your needs and what matters to you are obvious to you but not to your partner, which is why you are in an ongoing disconnect.
So none of this is about bad people. It’s about people running unhelpful emotional patterns that can lead to misunderstandings that hurt both people.
These are patterns that we’ve learned from stress, upbringing, and trying to protect ourselves in the past.
When you don’t realise the emotional meanings your partner will attach to your behaviours, you might think you’re doing the right thing—but to your partner, it can feel like a rejection, an attack, or emotional abandonment.
And when both people feel misunderstood, it becomes a loop of defensiveness, blame, and hurt.
The mission of any relationship is to create an environment where you understand how to help your partner be the best they can be. That way, they will love how they feel when they are with you and attach that to you.
Those partners will do anything for their partner.
The challenge is getting out of the emotional pattern currently disabling your marriage’s growth potential.
Want to Break the Cycle? – Will you need a relationship reboot?
If this post has hit home, it’s likely because you’re both trying, but your efforts aren’t landing the way you hoped. That can be incredibly lonely and frustrating.
The good news is that you can change the pattern(s). You need a better strategy rooted in clarity, compassion, and emotional intelligence.
If you’re ready to better understand each other, reconnect, and rebuild something far stronger, you can apply for my help by clicking below.
👉 Click here to start your Reboot and learn the simple shifts that have made a massive difference to so many couples.
You don’t have to figure it out alone.
The key is that if you don’t understand how your partner will translate your actions, you will struggle to connect to them, and this process kills trust.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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