Infidelity, lying, emotional affair, broken promises, addictions, loss of love, loss of emotional support and connection.
Breaks of trust are commonplace in marriages today and are not just limited to affairs.
It can be one of the biggest sticking points for couples who in theory want a better marriage after a significant break of trust, but cannot get past what happened.
Very often one person will want to keep hold of a past event almost as a reminder that self-protection is required after all it could happen again so foolish to let your guard down!
Also for some letting go of the bad event(s) almost communicates what they did was on some level ok so they need to keep what they did alive to maintain their position of rejecting their actions.
For some, they can’t get past what happened because no matter how bad life got for them they didn’t do that bad thing!
When significant breaks of trust form part of a couples lives it can be devastating for their connection as without trust what have you really got?
The person who is the initial victim of the break of trust is going to be left with 3 challenges or choices.
- Do I stay and rebuild the marriage?
- Do I go?
or - Am I now not sure what I want!
In today’s post I’m just going to focus on No.1 “do I stay and rebuild the marriage”?
The other 2 options I’ll cover in the next few posts.
Do I stay and rebuild the trust in the marriage?
When couples try to rebuild trust they very often fail because they are not understanding what they need to do and so they make things worse.
To be clear the break of trust is the responsibility of the person who broke the trust as it was their decision so their responsibility.
What many couples don’t see is the journey that person took to that decision and that is the responsibility of both people.
In other words, what took that person to that decision?
Breaks of trust are usually connected to one person becoming unhappy in the marriage and for some reason and this can lead a person to poor moral choices.
Understanding why the marriage failed for them is important to understand.
Usually what I find is what broke the marriage will give us clues in terms of where we need to put our energy to help the couple rebuild their connection.
Rebuilding trust is a process
Firstly it is not possible overnight, it takes time, patience and consistency much more than most are aware of so if a person is going to stress a marriage this way expect a process.
It’s about being connected to what your partner needs to help them rebuild that trust at their speed.
In essence the break of trust will create a significant need to understand their emotional world as they won’t feel supported if this isn’t understood.
Impatience will only encourage them to dig in deeper and halt the trust building process.
It is likely the person will have no clue as to what has to happen if trust is to be rebuilt for them. Many resort to going over and over what happened hoping this will work.
This is why so many couples suffer, they don’t know what to do and so they either bury the problem.
Please don’t do that!!!
Or they suffer in a process that wears them both out emotionally.
Even the most regretful guilt-ridden person only has so long before they run out of energy and gives up so the process must support both people.
The process has to be leading each person to connect to what equals the best of them as a relationship partner.
This means helping both people reconnect to who they really are as this dramatically reduces their suffering and allows them to look at the relationship from a more objective position.
Break of trust generally bring out the worse in people and that loss of self-connection in itself is very painful.
You see when someone feels their partner knows them, understands them and consistently wants to care, keep them safe and has their back it paves the way for a possible emotional reinvestment.
You see the process isn’t I must trust my partner.
The process is I must trust myself to trust my partner.
That means I must trust myself to reconnect to myself and reinvest as it’s the only way to discover the truth of a couple’s connection.
People that hold back or withdraw and don’t move forward due to fear or vulnerability will be party to its destruction.
For couples to really get their truth both people must ultimately be 100% all-in but remember that is a process to help someone feel safe enough to go there.
That of course is an educational process for both people.
The doors that lead to many levels of influence
The process must help the couple see what they couldn’t see before by opening doors into different ways to connect and influence each other.
In relationships, there are many doors you can open into your connection that will enable both people to become powerful influencers.
Imagine rebuilding your marriage so it is significantly better than it ever was before.
Many couples tell me their relationship is significantly better now as their problems woke them up to discover what they never knew.
You see breaks of trust for many couples are rooted in their lack of understanding of how to get the best out of themselves and each other.
Over time resentments build, self-protection becomes the pattern and people run separate lives whilst living under the same roof.
This only happens when couples don’t know how to influence what is behind each door.
The doors of influence that most couples are blind to
- How does our attraction happen?
- How do we deal with conflict so we both win?
- How do we translate what our partner is really saying?
- How do we discover what drives ourselves and our partners?
- How do I positively trigger my partner emotionally?
- How do we build a compelling future?
- How do I create a successful me in my marriage?
- How do we become a team in all important areas of our lives?
- How is my partner different to me and why?
Once two people are connected to understanding how to positively influence each one of these critical areas then their process of being together and building an unbreakable trust becomes far easier.
Then love, passion, fun, joy becomes the energy that builds and solidifies their trust and security together.