Readers question: How to win back your husband after he made up the decision to get a divorce?
We’ve been married for 3 years and 8 months now, I’m a Filipino and he’s Norwegian, we have fought almost everyday since we lived together we’ve got two kids (3 years old and 1 year old both are girls). We still living together, but totally no romance and no caring anymore. He gave up and he told me he don’t love me anymore and he will need to think that I don’t exist… its been like these since July 2010.
We’ve been to some family coaching office in Norway in June 2010. And they said its a culture conflict. After 3 sessions with them we’ve stopped my husband says they can’t help us. And after one week my husband told me that we can’t live together anymore, he does not want to stay on this relationship anymore and he will fight for kids custody. Two months ago my husband says his waiting for me to do something now about this relationship now… I can feel he wants me to disappear in his life, but I can’t leave my kids with him. Since we stopped the session we don’t fight anymore because we didn’t talk so much now. Were both living like strangers now.. I can’t think anymore how to please him to stay on this relationship.
Hi and thank you for your question.
Obviously I do not have all the information, but from what you have said I expect what your relationship coaches have said is true.
When two people get together it’s always a challenge for life to feel right for the couple if the way they have been brought up is very different. Its hard enough when two people from the same culture have been shown different ways to live, but when the cultures are so different then the couple really does have a challenge.
Having said all of that I want to give you some things to think about.
What is likely to have happened is due to the huge differences between you, you would probably have felt scared about your future with him, and him with you. You may not have felt secure or significant or loved in the way you expected.
The more insecure you felt the more you would test him to find out if he loved you in the way you wanted. The testing him would come out in many ways, but has resulted in arguments.
What he would do is to either defend his actions by arguing back, or he would run away in someway, this could be to go out or shut down.
If this has happened everyday this is exhausting for both of you. So I can see how he wants it to stop. The only solution he sees is for you to be removed from his life.
Lack of understanding is the key if all this is the case. He has missed your real message and that is you don’t feel secure.
If he knew that was your real message, he would not react in the same way.
The reason is this: Men are hard wired to want to please their partners. The main reason he has stopped is because he will have gathered enough proof that no matter what he does he cannot please you.
If he can’t do that, for him the relationship is over.
So the key in all this is how to rebuild the trust between you. Understanding what you both need for a relationship to be successful. Then become committed to meeting those needs plus understanding each others real verbal and non-verbal messages.
Men and women communicate in totally different ways. Men on the whole are very direct and use few words and they mostly mean exactly what they say. Women will use indirect language that can hold a multitude of meanings.
For example: When testing him you might communicate things which to him are not factually true, but you feel them emotionally in the moment. He will argue about the facts of your words and as he does you will escalate the argument as you feel he is more interested in the facts and himself than giving you the love and security you need.
So if you want this man back, help him to feel like a man because this is what he wants. Help him to feel successful with you, show him that he has the power to please you.
Help him know that you don’t feel safe and how he can fix it. The more successful he feels with you more secure he will feel about the future of the relationship. The more he feels like a man, the greater the chances of him helping you feel more like the woman you really want to be.
So jump out of the fearful version of you and become the best partner you can be and love him, you now have nothing to lose.
I hope that helps a little