I have spoken to over a thousand husbands whose relationship is on the edge of collapse, and many have the same message.
All these men are feeling the exact same things.
They are honest with me about their feelings but tend to say nothing to their wives about those feelings.
When I ask them why they’re reluctant to share with their wives, their message is—that a problem shared is generally a problem doubled.
They say that if I tell her how I feel, I now have to deal with how she feels about my feelings as well, so it’s easier if I deal with my own thoughts on my own.
This is a big problem because many men leave their marriages, and their partners have no idea why.
Today’s post is designed to shed some light on his feelings and how they affect him—this comes from years of spending time with men becoming disillusioned about being married to his wife.
These men are experiencing a common but unspoken frustration: When a man looks at his wife, though he still loves her, he doesn’t feel the same level of attraction, admiration, or excitement he once did, so why is this?
As a result, most men don’t talk about this openly with her. They just withdraw.
The result is that they focus more on work, spend extra hours at the gym, or scroll on their phones instead of engaging. They tell themselves to forget these feelings, let them go and move on, but deep down, they feel a quiet but growing disappointment each time it happens.
She knows something is very wrong, but when she asks, he says he’s fine—but the reality is he probably isn’t.
So what’s really going on?
What won’t he share? And what is he feeling and why?
The #1 Reason Men Stop Seeing Their Wives as Appealing
It’s not about weight gain, ageing, or anything superficial. The real reason men tell me they lose attraction for their wives is because they feel unappreciated and unacknowledged.
Attraction, for men, isn’t just about how his wife looks—it’s about how she makes him feel about himself when he’s with her.
- If he feels admired, respected, and valued, his attraction to her grows.
- If he feels criticised, overlooked, or like an obligation, his attraction fades.
This is important: Many men are feeling like they’re constantly being evaluated instead of appreciated. Instead of feeling like a winner in their own home, they feel like they’re in a never-ending performance review.
What’s Killing Attraction for him in his Marriage?
- Feeling Like a Failure at Home
Men thrive on respect and acknowledgement. When a man consistently feels like he’s not meeting expectations—whether it’s about parenting, household chores, or emotional connection—he begins to associate his wife with that feeling of failure. - Being Criticised More Than Admired
Early in the relationship, men often feel like their wife admires them, laughs at their jokes, appreciates their efforts, and sees them as someone special. But over time, the focus can shift to what he’s not doing right, making him feel small and unimportant—essentially emasculated. - Lack of Physical or Emotional Intimacy
For men, physical intimacy is emotional intimacy. When that fades or feels transactional, it chips away at their confidence. They don’t just feel unwanted physically; they feel like they’re failing at the relationship altogether. - Being Treated More Like a Co-Parent Than a Partner
Many men feel like they’ve gone from being a romantic partner to just another caregiver in the house. The conversations revolve around logistics, school schedules, bills, and responsibilities rather than connection, laughter, or desire. - Constant Stress and Negativity
If every interaction feels tense, every conversation feels like a complaint, and there’s no fun left, attraction naturally declines for him. No one wants to be around someone who constantly radiates stress, criticism, or disappointment.
Reflection
When men are left feeling their critical needs (this is not sex) can only be met outside of the marriage, the marriage enters a highly vulnerable place.
Men don’t lose attraction to their wives because of looks or ageing—they lose attraction when they stop feeling like they are being valued in the marriage.
The problem men face is they don’t feel safe, to be honest about how they really feel.
Many men are encouraged by their wives to share, but in many cases, what they share isn’t met with supportive energy, so when he collects one or two examples of that type of behaviour, there is no way on earth any man is ever doing that again.
This is the point at which men are conditioned by their wives to not share and, in particular, not share their feelings.
I notice that men in the sessions are likelier to be honest with me because they feel it’s a safer environment. I have heard so many wives share that afterwards; they had no idea that’s how their husbands were really feeling.
What I also see is while she is outwardly evaluating him vocally and sharing her honest feelings with him, he is secretly evaluating her too, but he will never share his findings that are stacking over time.
Most men have these negative thoughts, and many then put them into the let-it-go pile, hoping things will get better while focusing on other, more important things.
However, when a man hits the tipping point, the let-it-go pile quickly turns into the story of his life with her pile and become part of his reason to leave.
As a trend, it’s come across in sessions that men seem to have poor memories.
Men remember what is essential to hold on to, which tends to be when they experience something emotionally important to them.
Every time he knows he fails in her eyes, this is one of those moment he will collect and store.
I remember one gentleman who did this with his wife for over 25 years. Eventually, he walked out of the house, never said a word, and never came back.
The bigger picture
The big thing couples don’t seem to understand is that if their partner doesn’t like how they feel about themselves when they are together, either person can leave—being married and staying married is a free-will choice.
This is why understanding each other and creating a marriage you both love being in is so important, and that has to be designed it won’t just happen.
The great thing is that these skills can be learnt by those passionate enough to want to learn them. The truth is that men and women are very different and can hurt each other without ever meaning to.
So they need to know the impact of their behaviours especially the ones they think are harmless.
The important question to ask yourself is, “Unless I know how to bring out the best in my partner,” they are likely to not feel good and will attach that feeling to their partner.
So, learning critical skills enables more understanding, more connection and an easier and more passionate life together.
- Understanding this affects everything, so if you want “easy”, it is a critical skill for those who are now ready to discuss this with me.
So, step one couples and individuals need clarity to understand what is happening and what to do about it until you know what you are dealing with the process is harder and longer.
This isn’t just about saving a marriage—it’s about mastering relationships and life.
Clients reclaim personal power, learning to lead with confidence rather than react. They build emotional security, transforming their marriage into a source of strength instead of stress. They reignite attraction and passion, understanding the dynamics that keep intimacy alive.
By eliminating relationship stress, they gain more energy, focus, and emotional resilience, giving them a edge in all areas of their life.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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