What do you do when one person is unhappy in their marriage and the other says they are perfectly happy and can’t/won’t see the problem?
Many people who say they are happy in their relationship whilst their partner really isn’t happy are struggling to see the problem that this dynamic creates.
If only one person is happy the problem is this:-
“You being happy knowing full well I am NOT is a problem for me?”
For the unhappy person, it’s like their partner is being happy with their unhappiness.
What this will show is a lack of compassion or empathy for the unhappy person’s feelings they will experience a disconnect.
I’m happy so what’s the problem? Won’t create an action to care, they won’t check-in or reassure, so it will create a dismissive energy.
When this happens the problems for that couple can compound.
My advice is this: If one person is unhappy that is the true level of where your relationship is.
The state of a relationship is always governed by the person who is the most upset or stressed.
So if one person is resentful and the other is detached then the relationship problem is now about a detached partner.
If the resentful partner makes a problem about their own feelings all the detached person will do is become more detached.
If a person is still actively attracted and attached to their partner yet their partner is full of resentment, the relationship problem is now about their resentment.
You must NEVER gloss over your partner’s feelings or they will feel alone again which compounds the problems.
Being happy when they are not can help them feel dismissed.
Expand the model of couples on different pages
One lady was insisting her husband was having an affair.
He came to me on his own and said it was totally untrue and he was at a loss for what to do.
So I said to him you can battle with who is right and who is wrong, but I see that going nowhere.
The more you deny it the more guilty you will seem.
I’m seeing she feels unconfident, unloved, alone, and not important to you and this means she is not feeling emotionally safe.
She has to feel she matters or she will emotionally shut down and that means a far bigger job to overcome for you.
Why don’t we honour the fact she has lost trust in you and work towards rebuilding that trust?
How you see the problem changes how you deal with it
Most people don’t understand how to see their problems accurately so they make them worse.
The way problems are solved changes when you can see what the real problems are.
Left on his own he would have battled her by trying to convince her he isn’t having an affair factually he would be right but emotionally he would have broken their connection.
The reason this would have made things worse is that being right would have ended up being more important than how she feels.
And that’s always going to be a problem!
So you can never solve a problem unless you can see what it really is and that means seeing the problem the same way your partner does.
That’s the problem most don’t understand.
