If you need to leave your marriage and you have felt this for a while, there may be some things to consider before you change your life forever.
I’m writing this post because I have spent the best part of two decades supporting couples in crisis.
I keep getting messages from people who realised their mistakes too late.
I see people who have left a marriage years before 100% convinced the problems were their partner’s fault.
Imagine this one lady going through three marriages only to find she was her problem all along.
I see suffering every day because people simply do not understand what is going on, so they blindly react.
They have one-dimensional thinking that keeps leading them to attach their problem to their partner.
Imagine attaching a bad feeling to a spouse who has nothing to do with the feeling they are having.
Imagine if that bad feeling is actually connected to their relationship with themselves, not their partner at all?
I have to leave you because of what I’m doing to myself.
So many families are unnecessarily crumbling because of one simple fact.
They don’t know how to understand the problem they are in correctly.
I see so many couples who have lost love, passion has died, and attraction faded long ago.
These couples found a way to reignite their feelings once they understood how.
What I do to see if couples can reconnect is to challenge their thinking so they understand how their feelings are actually created.
If you want to leave your marriage, you must understand why.
For some, this may seem like a simple question with an easy answer, but it’s highly complex and likely to bite people who get this wrong.
“So why do you want to leave your partner?”
I usually get told I don’t love them, and I don’t find them attractive, and the passion has died!
The next question is, how did you turn all this off?
You see, at some point, two people who had never met fell in love, and they turned it all on, then with years of practice, they turned it off.
Most people are blind to both processes.
How people turn off their love, their passion, and attraction are many and varied.
But I haven’t met anyone yet who knows how they did it.
What good professionals know is we are the ones who create all our emotions – most people are unaware of this.
No one can run into our minds and make us love them or feel attraction for them. We do that to ourselves, we are the creators.
So the way we turn off our feelings for our partner is we stop investing in them.
The mechanics are then very simple…
No investment, no feelings and now the illusion that these feelings are permanently gone is a fact in their minds, so a divorce usually follows.
The question is, why did you stop investing?
Now we start to understand if the problems are in their relationship-building knowledge base.
Or in their relationship with themselves, as it is with many clients, especially those wanting to avoid vulnerability.
I usually find the problem is in both.
So my advice to anyone who is thinking of leaving a marriage or breaking up a family.
Ask yourself if you should trust your feelings because many people who now regret their actions later did just that.
Do you know enough to understand your problem because not knowing simply creates repetition of the same problem?
If you don’t, it’s important to find out.
Remember the mission isn’t to glue people together.
The mission is to discover with the right advice what are we truly capable of achieving?