Back in 2017, I sat across from a successful company owner.
To the outside world, he had it all — money, a thriving business, a long-term marriage, and children he adored.
But inside?
“I’m living two lives,” he told me. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I was exhausted. We’d grown distant. And my PA… she just made me feel alive again.”
What started as a harmless flirtation during late nights at the office became a full-blown affair.
He never planned to leave his wife.
But the affair partner? She was now making plans for them.
Leaving her boyfriend. Wanting more. Pushing for a future together.
And he was paralysed.
“I love my wife,” he said.
“But only like a brother loves his sister. There’s no sex. There hasn’t been for years. But I don’t want to lose her either. She’s the mother of my children. She knows me better than anyone.”
At first sight this looks like a man with a dilemma about which woman to choose.
It’s not.
It’s about him choosing who he is going to become.
On One Side:
You have a wife you say you love — but only as a sister/friend.
The emotional safety is there. The history is rich.
But the marriage is sexually dead, and has been for a decade.
On the other side is the affair.
Exciting. Passionate. A kind of aliveness you forgot you could feel.
She wants more. She’s leaving her boyfriend. She wants you to find a place together.
And here you are — torn, paralysed.
Not wanting to lose either.
Unable to move forward with either.
So what’s the real issue?
This Isn’t a Love Triangle. It’s an Identity Crisis.
I helped him see “You’re not deciding between two women.
You’re deciding between two versions of yourself.”
- One version is safe. Familiar. Loyal. But quietly dead inside.
- The other is alive, desired — but built on secrecy and avoidance.
You’re not choosing women. You’re choosing who leads your life — the man who reacts, or the man who breaks through and rebuilds.
“But the Sex With My Wife Is Gone. It’s Been Too Long…”
He told me he believed a sex life with his wife wasn’t possible anymore – I hear this a lot.
That after years of neglect, something vital had died.
I challenged that.
“Has it really died? Or have you both just stopped speaking the language of desire?”
Because a 10-year dead bedroom isn’t just about libido.
It’s about emotional drift, unspoken resentment, identity shifts, and broken polarity.
Sex doesn’t return through guilt or pressure.
It returns through emotional safety, presence, and leadership.
So if your wife stepped back, then emotionally something has been troubling her for a long time. On some level she stopped feeling safe with you but not so unsafe she had to leave you.
It is totally possible for her to feel emotionally unsafe with you and still love you.
“So… How Do I Make Her Feel Safe Again?”
This was his next question — and it’s the right one.
You help her feel safe by becoming the man she can emotionally trust again.
That means:
- No defensiveness
- No pressure
- No hidden motives
- Just presence, patience, and emotional leadership
You must ask her:
“I know we’ve drifted. I want to understand what’s felt unsafe or disconnected for you. I’m not here to fix or defend. I just want to hear you.”
Then listen.
Because if she feels emotionally safe, her body may follow.
If she feels judged, rushed, or unseen, she will shut down further.
“But That Sounds Like So Much Work… And She (the Affair Partner) Won’t Wait”
That’s the dilemma, isn’t it?
Of course it sounds like work.
Because it is work.
Real love, real leadership, real transformation — none of that comes easy.
The affair feels easier because it’s not built on reality.
It’s built on escape.
When he told me the affair parther was pushing for him to leave his wife, I said:
“If she won’t wait while you become the man you respect… what exactly are you losing?”
No kids. No history. No hard conversations.
Just adrenaline and fantasy.
So ask yourself:
Do you want to be the man who chases ease and ends up hollow?
Or the man who does the hard work of becoming whole?
Because you can’t build a life on adrenaline.
But you can build one on integrity.
Yes… You Might Lose Her
That’s true.
But what you gain is far greater:
- Self-respect
- Emotional clarity
- The ability to lead a real relationship, not just escape into one
You’re not losing love. You’re losing the illusion of a shortcut.
Reclaiming Masculine Identity
Here’s what I taught him — and what you need to hear now:
Rebuilding polarity and trust starts with who you are.
- Lead With Presence
- Create Safety Through Consistency
- Reclaim Your Masculine Edge
Not because you want something — but because it’s who you are now.
Who Must You Be When She’s Distant?
That’s the test.
When she’s cold. Withdrawn. Uncertain.
Can you be the anchor, not the storm?
Can you say:
“I know things feel off. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. And I’m willing to rebuild this one step at a time with you.”
That’s emotional leadership.
And it starts not when she changes — but when you do.
Final Question:
Are you willing to lose the fantasy… to find your identity?
Because the affair isn’t your answer.
And neither is passively tolerating a dead marriage.
Your answer is becoming the man who leads the relationship he wants —
Even if that means letting go of what’s easy.
And that company owner from 2017?
He didn’t just save his marriage.
He decided to man-up and rebuild himself — and became the man who could lead a family, not just a company.
Want to Start Your Own Shift?
As you can see his gentleman fell into the common trap of thinking he had to choose between two women. He was blind to the fact success in his life had to come from choosing “himself first” not the fantasy.
He had become reactive and was letting this ‘out of control process’ decide the rest of his life – and was on the edge of hurting everyone he said he loved including his own children.
He had forgotten how to be a father who sets the standards his children could follow. He had not taken the time to learn how to become an effective partner to his wife. He had put himself and his needs at the centre of his life forgetting that in the process he was letting go of everything he valued “integrity” being one critical element.
He had totally missed that he had failed to keep his wife emotionally safe and saw the affair as the quick fix solution to the lack of sex problem. If he had stayed with the affair partner the chances are the lack of skills he had in his marriage would have caused the same problem with this affair partner.
This is why affairs that lead to marriage rarely survive. People get swept away with the powerful feelings that affairs naturally create. He was totally unaware that the affair was the solution to absolutely nothing, and will only compound his problems.
So you see when relationships stop working this isn’t about fixing your partner at all.
It’s about becoming the version of you who can lead the love you want.
There is no skill in receiving love, that’s what children crave and need, to evolve into emotional maturity love is something you become and lead and for this to happen skills and understanding are required.
If this has struck a chord and you are stuck please get in touch because there is always a healthy way forward no matter how bad things are or feel today.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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